A Conversation at Helm’s Deep: Part 3

And our heroes, errr, villains, orcs that is, arrive at Helm’s Deep.

Now, I know Tolkien was neither an architect nor an expert in castle construction, but putting a big hole in the curtain wall that allows the enemy to get beneath it is just poor design. I realize it was there so Saruman could plant a big bomb under the wall, but regardless, the nerd in me rebels at the thought. Moving on.

The Uruk-Hai were probably not scholars, given that they had been alive maybe a month and were most likely ignorant of the written word, but even so, when they looked up at Helm’s Deep, their first thought was probably ‘Damn, that’s a big wall.”

Their second thought was probably “And I’m on the wrong side of it.”

Their third thought was probably a toss-up between “How do I get to the back or the army?” and “I need to change my armor.”

And yet, they surged forward anyway. Maybe it was an innate bloodlust that drove them, maybe it was fear of Saruman. Maybe, just maybe, they had been told that the prom was being held inside.

Cheers,
-Jason

A Conversation at Helm's Deep: Part 2

And so, the Uruk-Hai go marching off to Helm’s Deep. This begs the question: how’d they know how to march? This leads to further questions, such as how’d they know how to fight? Frankly, how’d they know how to walk?

Now, I could be wrong on this account, but it only seemed like maybe a couple weeks between when the army was created and when it went off to storm Helm’s Deep. That’s a lot of learning to cram into such a short period of time. And it’s not like they were reading Sieges for Dummies on the way there.

For some reason, Saruman’s Big Pop-Up Book of Sieges sprang to mind. This made me chuckle (you pull the tab to make the boiling oil come out of the cauldron).

Yet, putting those issues aside, it took at least a couple days for them to get to Helm’s Deep. Maybe they marched in complete silence, but what’d they talk about when they made camp?

“Hey, where we go?”

“We go to fight Men.”

“Why?”

“Dunno, but bossy guy on tower said we had to.”

“Oh. What’s a Man?”

“Dunno, but they bad. Why else bossy guy send us to kill them?”

“Oh. Maybe we make friends with Men instead?”

“Why?”

“So we can ask them to prom. Me have corsage and everything.”

“Me think you hung up on prom.”

Note: I have no idea why the Uruk-Hai talk like cavemen. It just seemed appropriate.

Tomorrow: Part 3: Uruk-Hai at Helm’s Deep or ‘I’m just an orc, yes I’m only an orc.’

A Conversation at Helm’s Deep: Part 1

I happened to be watching The Two Towers the other day and during the Helm’s Deep battle, I started feeling slightly sorry for the orcs.

Sure, they’re smelly, vicious, evil, murderous, environmentally unfriendly, and they would probably not only kick a puppy, but eat it as well, but y’know, they were made that way.

If you think about it, they weren’t really given any choice. It’s not like Saruman stood at the top of Orthanc and said:

“Today we start our war against the Rohirrim! We will burn their homes and crops! We will kick their puppies! The ground will run red with their blood! And you will eat man-flesh!”

“However, I realize that some of you might not be interested in fighting. Therefore, all those who want to go to war line up at the east gate. No, the other east gate. No! That one! Look at where I’m pointing!”

“Now, for those of you who chose to stay, I have arranged for some something fun. The Dark Lord has obliged us by sending Urk-bar, Master Chef and Pâtissier to teach a class on how to make brioche. So please go down to the kitchen and give Chef Urk-bar your full attention.”

Pretty much, they were born (more or less), they got handed a sword, and were sent off to fight. They didn’t even get to go to the prom, for Pete’s sake. Actually, that’s probably for the best, seeing as how I don’t think Saruman got around to making female Uruk-Hai. Otherwise, it would have gotten weird:

“Lurg, would you go prom with me?”

“Sorry, Gark, me already ask Rart.”

“Oh. Okay.”

And, frankly, they were probably terrible dancers anyway.

Tomorrow: Part 2 – what do Uruk-Hai talk about?