A Conversation at Helm’s Deep: Part 1

I happened to be watching The Two Towers the other day and during the Helm’s Deep battle, I started feeling slightly sorry for the orcs.

Sure, they’re smelly, vicious, evil, murderous, environmentally unfriendly, and they would probably not only kick a puppy, but eat it as well, but y’know, they were made that way.

If you think about it, they weren’t really given any choice. It’s not like Saruman stood at the top of Orthanc and said:

“Today we start our war against the Rohirrim! We will burn their homes and crops! We will kick their puppies! The ground will run red with their blood! And you will eat man-flesh!”

“However, I realize that some of you might not be interested in fighting. Therefore, all those who want to go to war line up at the east gate. No, the other east gate. No! That one! Look at where I’m pointing!”

“Now, for those of you who chose to stay, I have arranged for some something fun. The Dark Lord has obliged us by sending Urk-bar, Master Chef and Pâtissier to teach a class on how to make brioche. So please go down to the kitchen and give Chef Urk-bar your full attention.”

Pretty much, they were born (more or less), they got handed a sword, and were sent off to fight. They didn’t even get to go to the prom, for Pete’s sake. Actually, that’s probably for the best, seeing as how I don’t think Saruman got around to making female Uruk-Hai. Otherwise, it would have gotten weird:

“Lurg, would you go prom with me?”

“Sorry, Gark, me already ask Rart.”

“Oh. Okay.”

And, frankly, they were probably terrible dancers anyway.

Tomorrow: Part 2 – what do Uruk-Hai talk about?