A Friendly Reminder

From: Admiral Janicki
To: All Death Star Personnel
Re: Imperial Taxes

I have been asked to remind all Imperial personnel aboard the Death Star that today is April 15th and all personal taxes are due. In light of last year’s ‘Wookie Deduction’ debacle, the 3rd Imperial Tax Division (the Fighting 1040s) has asked me to pass on the following tax hints:

Cloned Stormtroopers may not claim each other as dependents, even though they are technically related.

Maintenance crews may only deduct one (1) Compacter Monster attack.

If strangled by Lord Vader and are:
Alive
Add two (2) to Row F: Near Death Experiences
Dead
Add one (1) to Row G: Actual Death Experiences

When computing dependents, droids do not count unless you are legally married to one.

If you are Lord Vader, please mark Box A ‘Sith Do Not Pay Taxes.’ Or not. Really, we’re cool either way.

You will check Box 7F ‘I want one dollar to go to the Emperor’s Party Fund.’ Failure to check this box will result in immediate execution.

When computing dependents, alien parasites only count if they are larger than a standard Stormtrooper helmet.

‘Helmet Hair,’ though a consistent problem for all Imperial troops, is not a valid deduction. ‘Armor Crotch’ is a valid deduction for Stormtroopers only.

Cheers,
-Jason

Vader’s List: Part 2

For Sale:
Blasters (21,153)
From: Stormtrooper D93744
Looking to sell/swap standard issue blaster for same. This one seems to shoot to the left for whatever reason. Would prefer one that shot to the right.

Misc. Weaponry (11,045)
Used Armor (75,982)
From: Stormtrooper I33604
Collectables! Remember that prison escape yesterday? The one with the Princess and the wookie? Well I have the helmets that the guys were wearing! Get your hands on these one-of-a-kind collectables! These are the only people to EVER escape the Death Star! Do not let this opportunity pass you by! FYI – Helmets smell like trash masher.

Lost and Found (822)
From Technician AD8372-1
MISSING BLUEPRINTS! I had a copy of the Death Star blueprints on my desk yesterday and now they’re gone. I would be in MAJOR trouble if anyone noticed, so if you happen so see them, please give me a call. They were stored on a standard memory unit with a kitten sticker on them. Last seen yesterday when that tour group of Bothans came by.

For Sale (5,324):
From Technician ZE4551-7
Vader’s Greatest Chokings! My and a buddy went through all the security videos and cropped together a montage of Vader choking people with the Force. This guy is definitely an equal opportunity strangler! See him choking officers, enlisted, stormtroopers, random guests, prisoners, technicians, and anybody else who happens to piss him off. 142 minutes.

Gigs (368)
Writing (34)
Labor (54)
Adult (10)
From Lt. Nilt
Stormtroopers of the Death Star Calendar. We will be issuing a tasteful, adult themed Stormtrooper calendar to help defray Death Star construction costs. If you are an attractive/well-built Stormtrooper, report immediately to Lt. Nilt, Level 29, Block C, Room 117 to determine if you are suitable for the calendar. This is an order.

Cheers,
-Jason

Vader’s List

So, there I was thinking about stormtroopers. I don’t really know why, but it’s something that happens with alarming frequency. I wondered how well they see out of the helmets. I wondered how they go the bathroom. I wondered if there were any female stormtroopers. And then, I wondered, where do stormtroopers go to get a date?

The answer, of course, is Vader’s List. It was originally named Kar’s List, but Vader force-choked him and took it over. Through painstaking research, I have managed to recreate Vader’s List from the Death Star for your reading pleasure.

Personals:
Women Looking for Men (0)
Women Looking for Aliens (0)
Men Looking for Women (8,381)
From: Stormtrooper X44871
Hi, I’m looking for a date to Wednesday’s Barn Dance/Public Execution. I’m into ineffective armor, bulky helmets, poor marksmanship, and Hummel figurines. Let’s square dance into each other’s hearts!

From: Stormtrooper J11832
Are there any even women stationed here? Hello? Anyone?

Men Looking for Aliens (3,735)
From: Technician TD8774-8
God, I am so lonely! I don’t care if you have tentacles, suckers, mucous-filled sacs, or vestigial wings, just call me!

From: The Stormtrooper of Love
I’m up for anything. I can blow open a hatch and ‘commandeer’ your ship. I can ‘detain’ you for having stolen droids. We can even have an ‘interrogation’ in the detention block. Come be my Bothan Spy! No wookies.

Missed Connections:
From: Stormtrooper S45831
Me, escorting a Rebel Pilot into Detention Block T188. You, removing a body with a turbo-lift. We brushed each other, our armor clacking, was I the only one who saw the sparks? I can’t stop thinking about you. The way you manned those controls, the way you pushed the arm back under the sheet, I was mesmerized the whole time! Call me!

Tomorrow: For Sale: Used Blaster

Cheers,
Jason

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And just so folks know, Jason has had no internet access on Tuesday, and so I’m posting his blog entry for him. Thanks to those of you have been kind enough to give him advice on his video card problems, Jason will be responding once he can get back on the net.
Leigh.