Granted, I really doubt that I’ll get to fight any ghosts. I mean, they’re hard enough to photograph, I kinda doubt I’ll be able to get one to engage in fisticuffs (ghosticuffs?) with me.
But this is beside the point.
The draw of the show will be in the spectacle of me talking trash at an ill-defined shadow in the corner, as I try to get it mad enough to take a swing at me. It would go something like this:
Bambi (the state-mandated ludicrously hot girl): Ummm, I think it’s in the room to your right.
Me: I don’t see anything.
Bambi: No, your other right.
Me: Still don’t see anything.
Bambi: No! Your OTHER right!
Me: I only have two choices here, Bambi. One has to be correct.
Bambi: Well, just look at the window!
Me: Okay.
Bambi: Wait a sec –in sotto voice- shake the tree!
Me: Your mike’s still on, Bambi.
Bambi: What?
Me: Nevermind. –assuming manly, announcer voice - Okay, there appears to be a wavering shadow outside the window. The uninitiated might presume it to merely be a tree branch, but we know better! - deep breath – All right! You! Outside the window! I don’t know why you’re haunting this abandoned hospital turned insane asylum and prison that was built on a Civil War Battlefield that also happened to be a Native American graveyard, but your days are numbered! I’m Jason Janicki, the Ghost FIGHTER!!! –some sort of metal chord plays- and I’m calling you out here and now! I’ll kick your ethereal behind so hard you’ll come back to life! And then I’ll kick your butt a second time! I’ll hurt you so bad, you won’t be able to haunt a litter box! I’m gonna grab ya and smack ya and-
Bambi: OH MY GOD!
Me: Good, aren’t I?
Bambi: Turn around! Turn the #@#$#$ AROUND!
Me: Hey! Kids watch this show!
Eldritch Horror that Feasts on the Screams of Men: Glaaaaargh!
Me: Well, catnuts!
I would then be the first person to get his butt kicked by a malevolent, otherworldly entity on camera. Needless to say, the ratings would be through the roof.
Cheers,
-Jason
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5 comments:
"a malevolent, otherworldly entity"
You called?
No, no, no. You'd be a 'malevolent, cat-shaped, otherworldy entity.'
Quit trying to hog all the summonings! :)
It would be amazing, and I would watch the #@#$ out of it. Especially if you waxed poetry, Jason. You just made my whole week with this idea. Seriously.
Especially after Tuesday, in which I got 2 hours of sleep so as to do a Powerpoint presentation on Ben Jonson/Volpone, the Four Humours, Beast Fables, and Vernacular Plays. I amazed myself in being able to stay mostly awake (zombified state) until 1:30am that night. I did not amaze myself with the presentation, however. This, though, picked me right up. :D
OH, btw, have to share: My school, Morehead State University, is having a Zombie Walk on Halloween. I'm too proud for words. My wish came true. Zombie Walk for me. Yee!
Well at least you didn't end up accidentally feeding it with your screams after turning around. Then again, who wants to fight on a full stomach?
I'm glad to hear it, Sinai!
Wow, Ben Johnson! I haven't read him in ages (well, since college). I was more into the British Romantics :) Did your presentation go poorly or were you just not quite happy with it? I had a few that I felt I could have done better on that the professors just loved.
One of my coworkers does Zombie Walks all the time. He loves them, but I haven't gotten around to doing one yet. Glad to hear you had fun!
Yes, Kris, luckily it didn't feed on whimpers or I would have been in real trouble :)
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