Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Freedom: $19.95: Part 2

So, yesterday I explained the basic economic problems of Hellgate. Now let’s see how it might play out.

“Oh my,” said the merchant. “You’re Dirk Squarejaw! You punched out the Demon of London! You spanked the Seven Succulent Succubi of Sussex! You defeated, gutted, and then barbequed with remains of the Rather Tasty Ox of Stratford-Upon-Avon!” The merchant saluted. “It is an honor and a privilege to serve you!”

Dirk returned the salute. “Just doin’ my job. Now then, we’re at the end-game. I’ve fought my way through thousands of demons and now we have a real shot at closing those Doors for good. In an hour, I’ll be leading five-hundred of our finest into desperate battle and we’ll need some supplies.”

“Absolutely!” The merchant gestured at the racks of goods behind him. “My store is yours!”

“Fantastic.” Dirk pulled out a piece of paper, unfolded it, and began to read. “We’ll need 50,000 rounds of 7.62mm, 2,000 grenades, 257 bullet-proof vests, 28 phased plasma pulse-lasers in the 40 watt range, 712 tuna-fish sandwiches, hold the pickles on 137 of those, 311 vibro-swords, 17 blow-up dolls, 1100 bottles of beer, a bottle-opener – wait, make it two bottle openers, and a Barbie lunchbox.”

“One moment,” the merchant ran his finger through his inventory sheet, his lips moving as he scanned the text. “I think we have everything in stock. It’ll take some doing, but we should be able to have everything ready in 40-minutes.”

“Perfect! You may very well have saved the world!”

“Wonderful. That’ll be $37,412 and we only take cash.” He gestured at the dead charge card reader. “Visa has been down for months now.”

Dirk stood there for a moment, staring at the merchant. “Umm . . . what?”

“$37,412. Well, technically, $37,412.28, but we won’t worry about the change.”

“You’re going to charge me?”

The merchant blinked. “Well, this is a store.”

Dirk leaned forward on the counter, getting very close to the merchant. “Perhaps you don’t understand the situation. If we don’t get those supplies, humanity ceases to exist.” He gestured around. “All of this, everyone, me, you, will be gone.”

The merchant leaned forward as well. “Perhaps you don’t understand basic economic principles? Supply and demand? Goods and services?”

“But what about humanity and the world?”

“What about my bottom line? Do you even have any money?”

Dirk reached into a pouch on his harness and pulled out a wad of cash. “I have, maybe, 50 bucks. And a coupon. “Buy a tuna-fish sandwich and get one for free.’”

The merchant plucked the coupon from Dirk’s hand and glanced at the fine print. “This coupon is expired.” He wadded it up and tossed it into the waste bin.

Dirk held up a hand, but only managed a few inarticulate grunts before his shoulders sagged and he turned away. “Start gathering rocks and sticks, boys,” he announced. “We’re going to do this old school.”



Anonymous said...

sounds good! Just like IN RL always some bastard is going to profit from the pain of others.

liselleynn said...

BRILLIANT!!! Once again you lighten my dreary work day with your funny wittycism, ive often felt the same when playing WoW, hey thx for saving me here have some water, oh that'll be 50c for the water... >.<

Jason Janicki said...

Yeah, the world is going down the toilet and there will be a lawyer and a profiteer waiting at the end :)

Glad to hear I managed to brighten your day :)