Wednesday, June 13, 2007

Run Like Hell

Childhood obesity is a rising problem in America. Apparently, a single American child is large enough to feed a small third-world village for a day. No, I am not advocating selling our children as food, no matter how much the idea amuses me (A Modest Proposal, anyone?).

The single largest thing that seems to get the blame for this is video games. Luckily for America, I have a solution.

It is a video game called Run Like Hell.

It is very simple. Your character is running away from something. If the pursuer catches you, you get an electric shock via a taser-like device that has been strapped to your body.

The components to build this game already exist. All you need is a dance-game floor pad and a locking belt with a built-in taser. Your child runs on the dance pad while watching the TV, which has a radar display that shows how close the pursuer is. There would be occasional safe areas where your child could rest and a finish line that would end the game.

The game would start out easy, with your character being chased by an octogenarian with a bad hip. It would ramp up to wolves, psychotic mass-murders, and eventually, Lance Armstrong. Failure would mean the aforementioned electric shock and starting over. If the taser is correctly tuned, you will NOT want to get caught, trust me.

I am confident that if forced to regularly play my game, the children of America would be in fantastic shape within a couple of months. There is a tiny flaw with the game, in so much that no one in their right mind would play it, but that is where the parents come in. I would suggest attaching the locking taser belt to your child in the dead of night and withholding food/allowance/clothes until they completed a session.

Is my idea perfect? No, but it is a start. Now if I can only figure out a way to make this work with other problems, I could make a whole series of Like Hell games, including Study Like Hell, Get A Good Job Like Hell, and Call Your Mother Once A Week Like Hell. The possibilities are endless.



Anonymous said...

Best idea for a game I've heard in a long time. Plus, think of the multiplayer potential. Whole teams chasing each other. Of course, you'd always have teams of fit people ganking the fat kids, but what better way to get them in shape.

Anonymous said...

Apparently Wii use is so athletically demanding that tubby gamer kids are actually starting to lose weight using it. I've also contemplated a setup by which their game playing devices must be powered by electricity generated from a treadmill or exercise bike. There could be a battery by which excess exercise could be stored for a time so they could stockpile, but it would tie game playing and exercise together - the cause and the cure.

We could also take away all their sugar. Seriously, American kids eat waaay too much sugar, most of it high fructose corn syrup which messes up their insulin royally and goes straight to their ass.

Jason Janicki said...

I've heard that about the Wii. What they really need then, is some sort of controller that could be strapped to the ankle as well, get their whole body moving.

Anonymous said...

I've thought about something like LARP (Live Action Role Playing).

Think about America's Army, a really popular wargame (or so I've been told).
Then add this trick - you only get certain powerups if you complete a physical course.
You want to get the automatic rifle - no problem, but you have to complete a mile run and an obstacle course. You want the new medical kit - likewise, but you have to pass a 2 mile run.
Keep stepping up the challanges, and you'll finish with (some) gamers being in scary shape.