Evil Mastermind: A Career Choice: Part 4

So now you have a Lair and Minions, what are you going to do with them? It is all well and good to kick back at your desk, watch the lava, and have your minions fetch you Starbucks, but eventually, you will need to actually do something. That is where a Plan comes in.

Plans can be quite simple:

1. Conquer world
2. Rule

However, this Plan lacks a certain subtlety, as well as making a poor PowerPoint presentation. Here are a few classic Plans that can help you get started with one of your own.

Threaten to Destroy the World
This is a tough one to pull off. Not only do you have to have the means to destroy the world, but you have to come across as nuts enough to actually do it. This is where the Plan tends to fall down. Sure, you may have a hydrochocogranola bomb, but are you willing to blow yourself up as well? If you plan on going this route, I would suggest a lot of acting classes. And spit when you talk.

Blackmail World Leaders
This Plan was once quite effective. Back in the 1950s, people were much more conservative and even the hint of impropriety on the part of a leader was a major scandal. Now, however, unless you can get pictures of someone naked with three goats, two professional hockey players, a Banzai tree, and 6-quarts of mayo, you really do not have much to go on.

An Elite Cadre of Assassins
This one is still quite viable. You use your highly-trained, nigh-superhuman assassins to eliminate those who oppose you. This creates a climate of fear, where leaders will do anything to avoid having the assassins come after them. The great drawback, of course, is that you actually have to have an elite cadre of assassins. There was a time when you could wander into any secluded mountain valley in China, India or Scotland and find a temple or monastery full of highly trained killers who would be perfectly willing to follow you. Now, they spend all day on MySpace or are selling their own line of workout videos.

Now we have everything we need to become Evil Masterminds: a Lair, Minions, and a Plan. Sure it will take years and cost millions of dollars, not to mention the constant danger and intrigue, but when you are ruling the world, it will all have been worth it.

On second thought, it is probably easier to just get elected.

Cheers,
-Jason