I am glad I live in the US. This is not for the usual reasons, but simply because there is a marked lack of venomous things that will kill you. You see, I occasionally watch the Animal and Discovery Channels and have learned that the rest of the world is full of creatures that are amazingly, incredibly dangerous.
Vietnam, for example, has something like 31 species of snakes. 29 of which are poisonous. Do not quote me on this (actually, go ahead, I will never know), as I was busy checking under my sofa for cobras when this was mentioned. I did not find any cobras, though I did find a dust bunny. I beat it to death with a mace, just to be safe.
Yes, I own a mace.
Now, some of you may think that I do not like snakes. Let me say that I do not hate snakes. I do not particularly like them either. I have a live-and-please-do-not-bite-me attitude as far as they are concerned.
I have known a number of people that had pet snakes and I do not get that. Snakes do not have feelings and cannot love you. I do not care if you kiss it on the snout and call it Pookey-Bear. To the snake, you are simply a meal that is currently too large to eat. Think about it. What if you were the pet of a giant, 20-foot hamburger? You would not spend your days scampering around its feet. You would instead simply want to eat it. If you are a vegan or vegetarian, insert the appropriate 20-foot foodstuff to complete the metaphor.
Tune in tomorrow for Part 2 to learn about Africa and the various things there that will kill you.
4 comments:
I can vouch for the mace. I bought it for him. I didn't know he was going to use it to kill dust bunnies with though. I should have bough him a hand vac instead.
Ohhh! The horror! Maybe it was a dust bunny with dusty fangs. BIG fangs. It was self defense. Really.
Just for accuracy's sake, I should point out that of the more than 1000 types of snake in the world, not one is poisonous. A good number are venomous, and will kill you, but they're all good eatin'.
You are absolutely correct, j. alexander. I should have written 'venemous.'
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