Thursday, January 29, 2009

Bring ‘Em Back!: Part 3

So, we have one (1) evil guy trying to bring back one (1) Evil Entity. We have fifty-plus (50+) heroes being resurrected, outfitted, and promised that they can go back to Paradise afterwards. We also have three (3) mangos and eleven percent (11%) of the world’s supply of clown makeup (WSCM).

Note: It’s really not worth asking about. Really.

All of this leads to the following exchange.

“My most evil master,” asked the servant, clad in red and green.

“If this is not good,” said the sorcerer, as he carefully weighed the two mangos in his hands. “You will be eviscerated.”

“Good is . . . er . . . relevant, my dark lord,” said the servant, with a slight hesitation. His master raised an eyebrow. “It’s Harg the Magnificent, my lord.”

“The one who vanquished our yet-to-be-reborn Dark God?”

“Yes, lord. They resurrected him.”

“Really?’ The sorcerer smiled. “Well, that was rather forward thinking of them.” He put the two mangos down next to a third. “Nevertheless, with our help, our Lord of Evil will prevail.”

“That’s not all, lord.” The servant cleared his throat. “They also resurrected Talia of Gorth, Lord Ravenstone, the Axe Twins, the Blue Wizard, all twelve of the Dwarven Nutcracker Brigade, and a few others.”

The sorcerer frowned. “How many others?”

“Well, they’ve emptied the royal crypt and all the surrounding mausoleums, so about one hundred and fourteen total. Including Uroll the Castler.”

“Uroll the Castler?”

“Yes, lord. He was the one that killed the dragon by hitting it with a castle.”

“Oh.” The sorcerer steepled his fingers, his eyes closing to mere slits. “If we were to start now, how many evil heroes could we bring back?”

“Two. One of whom is Var the Haberdasher.” There was another raised eyebrow. “He made evil hats,” the servant said with a shrug.

“Andy why so few?”

“We evil types tend to get thrown into lava or crushed under mountains. Not a lot left to resurrect.”

“Ah. So, including myself, three versus . . .”

“One hundred fourteen and they’re still looking.”

“Hmmmm.” The sorcerer fiddled with his mangos, idly rolling them about the table. “I think a change of strategy is in order. The new future of evil is in . . . “ He paused. “What did that ‘Var’ do again?”

“He made hats.”

“Yes, hats. We cannot summon our Dark Lord without proper headgear. We must bend our intellect to the making of hats.”

“So the heroes won’t hit us with castles?”

“Exactly. Begin the preparations to move.” He whirled on the servant, his robes spinning about him. “And don’t forget my mangos!”



Silver said...

The obvious solution is of course, to break into the hero crypt, put the corpse of every evil villain in history in there, spread rumours about how you're awakening them, and enjoy the mayhem.

Wolf Gunnison said...

[@Silver] Except there's no villains' bodies.

Heh. I've been a lurker here, watching the comic faithfully and reading the blog... somewhat less faithfully... but I resolve to comment more often on this. So there.

This is one of the funnier things that's been done for some time. I definitely enjoy this blog. :D

Kammorremae said...

It's really a shame you don't have a comedic side project, you are clearly skilled enough to work on one.

Lurklen said...

I think the real question is what do you do with all the heroes after they kill the dark lord?

I mean think about it one of those guys tends to cause alot of trouble wherever he goes, now imagine 150+ and the worlds gonna be a warzone for the next couple of years. Especially if there less the Knight in shining armour type and more like Grognak the barbarian. (he whos wields the bloody axe and drinks from the skulls of his enemies)

Jason Janicki said...

Yes, a plan for the forward thinking villain :)

Thanks, Wolf!

Well, I'm not one to talk out of class, but I am working on a side project. It's still at least a year out, so don't get excited yet.

Yeah, how many bar brawls can one kingdom take? The solution would be to spread a few (dozen) fake maps to some other kingdom, suggesting that they are a) evil and b) have a lot of gold.

RG said...

Okay...I was trying to read the "Bring 'Em Back!" posts to my b/f, but by the time I got to Uroll the Castler, I was laughing too hard.

Hilarious stuff. Thank you!

Jason Janicki said...

You're very welcome :)

matthew said...

but what are they going to do with 11% of the world’s supply of clown makeup?

Jason Janicki said...

It's for the mangos.