A Memo: Part 2

To: Lord Aragorn, Heir of Isildur
From: Bill, Head of Groundskeeping
Re: Coronation

My Lord,

Let me first congratulate you on your great victory over Sauron and his fell forces. It was truly a magnificent deed that will shine in the songs of Men until the end of our days.

However, the continued requests to clean up the city and its surrounding environs in time for your coronation are patently impossible. My men have cremated almost a thousand bodies and have worked to exhaustion, but they simply cannot work any faster. If we are to remove all the bodies in time for your coronation, we will need the combined armies of Rohan and Gondor to help.

Your humble servant,
Bill, Head of Groundskeeping

To: Lord Aragorn, Heir of Isildur
From: Bill, Head of Groundskeeping
Re: Coronation

My Lord,

While your constant messages are flattering, they are not helping us progress any faster. If your lordship wishes his guests to not notice the piles of corpses I suggest you buy a lot of tents, erect them over the bodies and then spread enough potpourri to fill Mount Doom ‘cause we’re not going to be done.

Your exhausted, increasingly frustrated servant,
Bill, Head of Groundskeeping

To: Lord Aragorn, Heir of Isildur
From: Bill, Head of Groundskeeping
Re: Coronation

My Lord,

Let me tell you a story. It involves trying to move a month-old Oliphant corpse. First, you have to gut it and let all the innards out, being careful not to be crushed by the hundreds of tons of offal or passing out from the smell. Then you have to build scaffolding inside the beast and starting hacking and sawing away. I cannot begin to describe the smell, save to say that I would rather be an orc bathroom attendant for 100 years than spend five minutes inside a dead Oliphant. Not to mention the fact that you get to be literally covered in bits of Oliphant all day and can’t quite get rid of the smell, even after several hours of bathing.

In short: bite me.

Bill, Head of Groundskeeping

To: Whom it may concern,
From: Bill, Head of Groundskeeping
Re: Up Yours

We quit.

We’re tired, we stink, and we’re getting nothing but grief.

If you want everything cleaned up for your coronation, do it yourself. Maybe you should’ve had that undead army tidy up for you before you let them go.

Btb, if you feel the need to arrest us and charge us with treason or something, please do. We could use a break and even jail is better than standing hip deep in rotting offal.

Bill, Ex-Head of Groundskeeping

Cheers,
-Jason