Friday, April 4, 2008

Last Words: Part 2

“Dad got mad at me one day and threw Poofy in the lake. I was, of course, heartbroken and ran to my mother, but she just looked at me funny and said ‘Rocks can’t drown.’”

“I eventually got another dog. A real, proper dog. At least, I thought he was.” Arklebar shrugged. “I didn’t find out dogs normally had four legs ‘till I was thirteen. He also foamed at the mouth and walked into trees. In retrospect, he was probably rabid, so I can understand why he ‘disappeared.’” Arklebar made ‘quote marks’ with his hands. “That was the best New Year’s dinner ever.”

Bryl stared at his enemy. “Are you completely, barking mad?”

“Hmmmm . . . maybe,” the defeated king said, after a moment’s reflection. “Eventually, I noticed girls. There was one, her name was-“

“Hold it!” Bryl advanced, his sword point moving to within inches of Arklebar’s throat. “I don’t have time for anymore stupid stories! You die! Now!”

Arklebar pushed the tip of the sword away. “Wait a minute! You said ‘last words!’ Not ‘last word’ or ‘last paragraph’ or ‘kindly sum up your existence in a haiku!’ You practically demanded my last words and now you’re getting them! Besides, you’re supposed to be the good guy! What will all the other good guys think down at the good guy tavern if you went and offed me mid-soliloquy?”

The sword wavered. “Well, just hurry it up. Skip to the end or something.”

Arklebar took a deep breath. “Let’s see,” he began. “Girls, school, more girls, arson, petty theft, robbery, a brief stint at Madame Via’s School of Dance- to meet girls,“ he said pointedly. “Moving up to thuggery, murder, and eventual domination of the kingdom of Uburia.”

“Done?” Bryl said.

“Almost. I haven’t gotten around to the bit where I invested heavily in magical healing.”

“Ah, then- wait, what?”

Arklebar smiled. “It’s called Ginormous Heal!”

A dazzling white light enveloped Arklebar. The young Lord Faringdoyle staggered backwards, his hands going up to shield his eyes. By the time they cleared, Arklebar already had his helmet back on and was picking up his sword.

“I believe,” he said calmly. “It’s your turn for last words.”

The young hero stared. “Catnuts!”

Arklebar considered that. “I liked mine better,” he said and then advanced.



Anonymous said...

*cheers for Arklebar*

The hero was boring anyway. ;)

Anonymous said...

YAY! stalling FTW!!!

Jason Janicki said...

Well, he didn't become King of Uburia 'cause of his good looks :)

Anonymous said...

Haha I do love a good anti-hero winning out in the end :D