Thursday, July 19, 2007

Troopers Are People Too: Episode 6: The Return of the Jedi

A large force of Imperial troops, including AT-STs, are holding position in the thick forest of Endor. Two troopers are standing apart from the rest.

FIRST TROOPER: So why are we here?

SECOND TROOPER: Were supposed to ambush the Rebels after they sneak-attack the Force Field Generator.

FIRST TROOPER: Ah. This is the shield generator thats protecting the new Death Star, right?

SECOND TROOPER: Yep.

FIRST TROOPER: Ah. I dont get it. What if the rebels manage to blow up the Generator before we can ambush them? Isnt this like, majorly risky?

SECOND TROOPER: Hey, I didnt come up with the plan.

FIRST TROOPER: I know, I know. Im just saying. Its not like Im paying to rebuild the Death Star again.

SECOND TROOPER: Yeah. I wonder how much that thing costs, anyway?

FIRST TROOPER: There are more zeroes on that budget than we could even count, my friend.

SECOND TROOPER: Yeah, you got that right.

The troopers wait in silence for a few minutes.

FIRST TROOPER: Yknow, Ive been thinking. These rebels. Whats their beef with the Empire anyway?

SECOND TROOPER: Got me.

FIRST TROOPER: The Empire provides jobs, keeps the galaxy stable. I mean, are we really that bad?

SECOND TROOPER: Whos we? Im just punching the clock here. All I want is a decent retirement on a planet that doesnt suck too much.

FIRST TROOPER: Yeah. Yknow, this place aint too bad. Theres a lot of trees, nice weather.

LIEUTENANT: Troopers, move out!

SECOND TROOPER: Well, here we go.

The Imperial troops quickly surround and capture the Force Field Station. Rebel prisoners are being escorted out, hands on their heads.

FIRST TROOPER: Wow, an op that didnt go horribly wrong.

Even as he says this, a battle-shout erupts from the surrounding bushes. Spears and rocks begin to rain down on the Stormtroopers. The rebels quickly escape, rearms themselves and the fighting grows fierce.

SECOND TROOPER: Looks like you spoke too soon.

The two troopers hold their positions, occasionally firing into the surrounding forest as rocks bounce off their armor.

FIRST TROOPER: What the hell? Were fighting stuffed animals!

SECOND TROOPER: What?

FIRST TROOPER: Theyre frickin teddy bears!

SECOND TROOPER: Okay, this is stupid.

A rock clangs off his helmet.

FIRST TROOPER: My kidsre gonna love this one. Yes, dear, your daddy shot Twinkles the Bear in the face.

SECOND TROOPER: Yknow what? Im sick of this. The pays lousy, the armor itches and doesnt do squat anyway and I cant see out of this helmet. The Emperor can kiss my ass, Im gonna surrender. You with me?

FIRST TROOPER: Why the hell not? We can get jobs in the private sector, maybe I can actually see my family for a change.

Both troopers drop their weapons and raise their hands.

FIRST TROOPER: Hey! Teddy Ruxpin! We surrender!

Three rocks bounce off his armor.

SECOND TROOPER: Stupid bears.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

Hilarious!

Love it!

Jason Janicki said...

Glad to hear it :)