Friday, July 13, 2007

Anthony, the Space Traveling Potato

The name Anthony the Space Traveling Potato was suggested by the Girlfriend of Spider. Everything else is my fault.

Once upon a time, there was a planet called OurPlace. It was named by its residents, who despite being productive and generally pleasant were not particularly imaginative. The people tended their fields and shined their Burble Bushes and made more people and pleasant smells abounded.

OurPlace was ruled by the Head Cheese, who came from a long line of Dairy Products. They were not generally bad people. In fact, many were themselves quite pleasant. However, the current Head Cheese was not particularly bright and often used stabbing and bludgeoning to accomplish his goals.

Life under Head Cheese was not good. He had no real interest in ruling other than wearing a fancy hat and pinching the bottoms of girls. OurPlace was soon in economic collapse. Head Cheese tried to fix this with more stabbing and bludgeoning, but this failed, much to his surprise.

The inhabitants of OurPlace became decidedly less pleasant. The fields were left untended, the Burble Bushes unshined, and bad smells became common. More people were still being made, but soon there were too many of them and what little food was left was not enough.

Then one day, in the twentieth year of the reign of the Head Cheese, a young man came upon a potato. This was an average young man, who made his living shining the Burble Bushes of others, and he put the potato in his pocket, thinking he had found dinner.

Then later that night, the young man fell asleep in a ditch. This was because someone else bludgeoned him and took his money. The young man dreamed. In between the parts where he was pinching the bottoms of girls and the part where the Frog-With-Twelve-Eyes hit him with a Burble Bush, the potato spoke. It proclaimed itself Anthony and that it had traveled through the vastness of space to be found by him.

Surely, the young man thought to himself upon awakening, as that was his name. This potato must mean something.

And so Surely went to a gathering place. There he held Anthony high and said it was a sign. The people did not believe him and several suggested he do various anatomically impossible things with Anthony. Surely left, heartbroken. Yet a man followed him out. The man believed and would help spread the message of Anthony, the Space Traveling Potato.

Surely went to many more gathering places. Sometimes the people wanted to stab and bludgeon him. Sometimes they wanted to eat Anthony. Yet inevitably, another person or two would follow, having heard the call of Anthony, the Space Traveling Potato.

Some of those who heard the call of the Potato were quite clever. They proclaimed that the Potato was greater than the Cheese. They urged Surely to build weapons so that they could stab and bludgeon and make the world a better place. Surely, who was not quite so clever, agreed and soon war came to OurPlace.

There were many battles and bad smells. The Burble Bushes were trampled and people were unmade. The banner of the Potato and that of the Cheese pushed and strove at one another, until at last, the Potato did prove itself greater.

Surely did his best and for a while, people did not unmake each other quite so much. The fields were once again tended and the Burble Bushes shone throughout the land. Pleasant smells filled the air. A great monument was built and inside, Anthony, now a dried husk, was laid.

Yet war, once found, cannot then easily be lost again. Soon there were whispers of an Onion called Phil, who came from AnotherPlace. And then a Kumquat named Susan. And then a Fruit Basket Who Was From Down the Lane. They fought with the followers of the Potato and each other. The stabbing and bludgeoning gave way to shooting and exploding and then to lasering and zapping.

The time of Anthony the Space Traveling Potato was remembered with fondness, a Golden Age of Spuds, when the Burble Bushes were polished every day. People forgot the great deal of stabbing and bludgeoning that occurred to make it so.

Eventually, the people of OurPlace learned to tolerate the Foodstuffs of others. It did not matter if you were an Apple, a Reformed Spuddite, or even a Vegetable Platter. Lasering and zapping did not go away, but it became a rare thing. The fields were tended by Automated Field Tenders. The Burble Bushes, polished by Automated Burble Bush Polishers, gleamed. People still made more people, as the Automated People Makers were not nearly as much fun.

And all was well, until a giant, potato-shaped asteroid smashed into OurPlace, unmaking everything. And the Burble Bushes shone no more.


Anonymous said...

A stunning commentary on the state of OurPlace. As a Zucchinian, I have been campaigning on the need for less lasers and I am gratified to see that you support my platform.

Spider said...

Amusing satire. Thank you for the smile.

Jason Janicki said...

I, of course, hold my squash-based bretheren in the deepest respect. After all, you can't hug your vegetables with lasers, though they can do a nifty pruning job.

You're very welcome, Spider. Say 'hi' to your girlfriend :)