Wednesday, December 16, 2009

I Absolutely Do Not Care

I called my mother last night. I try to do that once a week, just to let her know that I’m alive and thinking about her. She’s always very happy to hear from me, once I remind her that I’m actually one her three sons and my name is ‘Jason.’ Sometime I think she just plays along.

NOTE: I did give her a picture of me one year, just so she would have a constant reminder. She autographed it and handed it back.

Anyway, I called my mom and after establishing my identity, she asked ‘Are you following the Tiger Woods scandal?’

Here is an exact transcript of that conversation:

‘Are you following the Tiger Woods scandal?’

‘I heard there was something going on, but no.’

‘But it’s so fascinating! He’s got fourteen mistresses!’

‘Honestly, I could care less where he’s putting his pee-pee.’

‘Really? But Sports Illustrated named him the Athlete of the Decade?’

‘For what?’

Seriously, that was the exact conversation. And yes, I do say ‘pee-pee’ around my mother. It’s an old habit instilled through several vigorous beatings when I was young. It also explains why I tend to list to the left when I walk.

But yes, I really could care less what or who Tiger Woods is doing. I could also care less about what any celebrity is doing. Their lives do not impact mine in any way shape or form. I just dread having to hear about it on the news for the next month. News should be about missiles and other life threatening things, not who’s putting what into who.

Now obviously if someone’s fooling around gets missiles launched, then it’s new worthy.

Also, as long as I’m here, does golf count as a sport? Now, I’m sure some of you out there are golfers and are ready to take umbrage at this, but my definition of ‘sport’ includes ‘and you sweat when doing it.’

NOTE: An alternate definition of ‘sport’ could be: Does it require steroids? But I decided not to take that tact because children read this (anything is possible) and I don’t want them getting the wrong impression. Stay in school!

For me, cycling is a sport. Speed skating is a sport. Football and basketball are sports. Baseball is sometimes a sport. Ice Skating is like a sport, but since the scoring is completely arbitrary, not really (though they do get sweaty). Golf, not really. Oh, I’m sure it’s difficult, but when its primary players are middle-aged men with bad backs, you gotta question it. So for Sports Illustrated to name Tiger Athlete of the Decade, it seems kinda off.

So, to sum up: I don’t care about Tiger Woods, unless he’s shooting missiles that might kill me.



The Mess said...

I couldn't agree more with the unimportance of celebrities, and consider celebrity deification one of the fundamental problems in our culture.

But what I really want to talk about is whether golf is a sport. But, then, I think video gaming is a sport, largely because it's as close to physical activity as I get and I'd like to claim I was good at sports. Don't judge me!

Besides, the "sport of kings" is horse racing. There's nothing less sweaty than siting on a throne and watching someone else sit on a horse as the horse does all the work. It's twice removed from sweating! Are you going to tell all those kings that their sport isn't a sport? I'm afraid you had better change your definition before your head is cut off!

The other day I caught a TV commercial for some golfing event. The narrator spoke of the golfers as "warriors striding across the battlefield" or some such nonsense. Warriors, really? You're not a warrior unless there is a serious chance of you coming home from a business engagement dead or missing important body parts. I think the "warrior" nonsense is stretched when applied to football, but applied to golf it stretched to the point of snapping the elastic so hard that the narrator should have been punched through the skull by the force of the rebound. That this did not happen proves that there is no god. Or God likes golf. Or something like that. But it's absolutely proven, whatever it is.

But, you know, celebrities: pretty but unimportant. They are not heroes, just people who look good and hopefully have some acting or musical talents. I think it's time we went back to the good old days of idolizing scientists in white labcoats spouting technobable to save the world from alien menaces. You know, people with brains!

But maybe that's just because I want to be a celebrity and am good with technobable. I could completely save the world from aliens.

"gunner" said...

good comment mess, and i'd call woods a fool for running around hiding his pickle in strange places when he had that lovely svenska flika waiting at home. as for pop culture "warriors/heros" i don't buy that media hype. we've got a couple of the real thing here in this forum, though they might deny the title they've earned it, (and no, i'm not one of them, i'm just a guy who stood a watch on the wall between one war and the next.) "golf as a sport?" no, i wouldn't call it one, just moderate exercise across a well tended, rather large lawn. football, (american), i've long thought they should give each player a thompson and a sack of grenades and let them settle their little riot just outside the town limits in some farmer's field after the crops are all in. most of the celebrity females i've noticed in the news seem to look and act like the ladies at suzies home fot wayward girls, but suzies girls have better manners.

Jason Janicki said...

Well, in horse racing, the jockeys and horses do sweat, so yes, by my definition, it's a sport :)

Well, the 'warriors' thing is just silliness. It's just another way to idolize athletes and sell them to the public.

I agree totally, The Mess.

I could totally save the world from aliens too. We should team up!

I agree wholeheartedly, gunner!

Kris said...

Meanwhile in Tiger Woods' forest lair, Tiger's Woods, the errant golf pro prepares the final touches on his terrible weapon. Surrounded by his North American harem, which differs from the Middle Eastern harem by actually doing the things that we assume Middle Eastern harems get up to, Woods cackles aloud as he inspects his comically large, golf-themed cluster missile.

"Soon they will all regret denying my game the coveted title of sport, and all will know me and be struck numb with dread as the sound of "Fore!" is heard across the land!!!" Woods cries, before breaking into another fit of cackling as his harem girls lounge about and join him in his joyful cries.

Jason Janicki said...

Wood's cackling was suddenly interrupted.

"Not on my watch!"

Woods and his women whirled. A majestic figure stood in the doorway. Well, a figure stood in the doorway. A guy. A kinda paunchy, hairy guy. Behind this guy was a group of amazingly hot former models, who happened to also be brilliant scientists.

"Who're you?" Woods demanded.

"It is I, Jason Janicki! Accompanied by my All Girl Former Model Science Team!"


"Never mind! I am on to your nefarious scheme! You'll never get away with it!"

"And how do you intend to stop me?"

Jason paused. "Umm, not sure. I was thinking I was going to hit you or something?"

"Ooooh," Woods said. "I'm not really into violence. Golfer and all that."


There was an uncomfortable silence, as each man looked at each other.

"How 'bout we have the girls do something?" Jason suggested.

"Like what?"

"Do you happen to have a pit full of jello?"

"As if." Tiger gestured and the floor of his control room opened, revealing a large pit full of what looked like cherry jello.

"Then maybe we could have my gi- errr, scientists wrestle with your harem?"

"Sounds like a plan."

And thus, the world was saved, through the miracle of jello.

Man, that one got much longer than I'd anticipated. ;)

Jerron said...

Wait- I thought you and The Mess were assigned alien duty? That leaves harem pacification to someone else.

I know its a dirty job, but someone's got to do it. When I'm done, Tiger will have no more balls to shoot across the good ol' USA!

Anonymous said...

I hate to be so persnickity so late in the game... but I think you were trying to say that you could NOT care less...

because what you're actually saying is that do care... because you COULD care less...

Jason Janicki said...

Yes, you're correct. It should be 'I could not care less.'

Several friends have already taken great delight in pointing this out to me :)