Thursday, December 3, 2009

Rotund and Other Words

Apparently I’m fat.


Whilst in California for Thanksgiving, I ate out with various family members perhaps 8 times. There were roughly four lunches, two dinners, a breakfast, and one ‘random’ meal that just sort of happened when a taco truck crashed into my mother’s backyard.

Anyway, this is not about the food, it’s about the drinks. I always get a regular Coke (Pepsi, whatever). Every single time I got a refill, the waiter/waitress would ask if it was diet. This is pretty much how it went:

Waiter: Want a refill on that?

Me: Sure (hands glass over).

Waiter: That was a diet, right?

Me: Nope. Regular.

Waiter: Okay, I’ll be back with that diet refill in just a moment.

Me: No, regular.

Waiter: Diet.

Me: Regular.

Waiter: Diet.

Me: Reeeeggggggguuuuuulllllllaaaaaaarrrrrrrr.

Waiter: Dddddddiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeetttttt.

Me: Just bring me a water.

Waiter: Toilet water coming right up!

To make matters worse, 1 in 3 times they would still bring me diet. Now, I don’t think I’m that out of shape, but apparently, waiters in California think I am. I didn’t help that my fitness buff brother (he’s approximately 8% body fat) felt the need to point this out.

“Wow,” he would say. “Looks like the waiter’s trying to tell you something!” And then he’d flex and I’d die a little inside.

NOTE: Yes, we’re that mean to each other. It’s how we show affection.

So, I have decided to do something about this. No, I’m not going to exercise more. I’m going to make little stickers that say ‘Regular’ and tape them to the glass when I get it, so the waiter knows what I want.

And maybe stop eating out in California quite so much.



Jerron said...

(What, now I don't need a google account? Musta been my screwy computer again.)

Things to consider:
1) People in California drink diet. Maybe they didn't even have regular anymore.

2) Waiters have bad days, too. Maybe he had made enough tips for the day, and you were there at the goof-off time, where you get 'punked'. I can totally see waiters in the kitchen telling all the other waiters, "Hey, watch this while I mess with this guy." I think it happens to me all the time...

3) It's quite possible your brother already gave him a tip. One that insured he would mess with you about diets and marmosets. Oh, wait, he didn't say anything about marmosets, that was me.

Anonymous said...

its a california "fitness snob" thing, intended to make you recognise his self perceived "superiority" as a half starved vegan. actually he hated you because you were having a normal, healthy meal and obviously enjoying it.

"gunner" said...

actually "anonymous" above was me. i forgot to hit the name box. sorry 'bout that.

Jason Janicki said...

It was actually multiple waiters and my brother wasn't at every meal, so I kinda doubt it. Unless, of course, my entire family planned it together, which is not outside the bounds of reality . . .

Nah, I get along well with my brother. It's more like a vicious affection that sort of looks like hate. We used to do horrible things to each other all the time (ask him why his jaw pops (hint: I kicked him in the face)). :)

Zodo said...

I would have responded "So you want a diet tip?"

(Mind you, I am a heavy guy, but drink diet anyway)

Ehm said...

Nah, we're just like that in California. We drink diet, oh my gosh, gotta watch those calories huh?? Even the guys do, and yes, we still do have regular! ;D

It's not that they think you need to loose weight it's just that they get more orders of diet than regular.

It's not you, it's them. ;)

Jason Janicki said...

I'll remember that for next time, Zodo ;)

Thanks, Ehm :) It's always nice to know it's someone else's problem :)

Ehm said...

anytime. ;)

Gini said...

There's always claiming to be horribly allergic to aspertaime (the sweetner in most diet drinks). I actually do know someone who can't drink more than a sip without her throat closing up.

Ehm said...

Oh no! That would be horrible! Diet Coke is like my one true vice... I'd be so miserable if I couldn't drink it.

Jason Janicki said...

That would just suck. My personal brown doom is Coke Zero, so yeah.

Ehm said...

I have not tried it but I don't like regular coke or even the splenda diet coke (just tastes nasty and leaves a horrible after taste that just lingers) or the diet coke plus (which tastes just off enough to be not good-also has an odd after taste.) that I doubt I'd like it.

Jason Janicki said...

Yeah. I can't drink Diet Coke. I did like C2, but Coke Zero is much better. I guess it's all about what your acclimated to.