Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Guys with One Ear and Raven Haired Temptresses

This blog will require a bit of an explanation. It all started two years ago at Christmas. I was seated at the kiddie table (as usual) and was mercilessly teasing my niece and nephew. I blogged about the experience, titling it: Do Not Believe Me: Parts 1 and 2.

The year after that, I was again seated with my niece and nephew, now a year older (each, not collectively) and I proceeded to tease them about their respective love lives, such as they were. I then told my niece that I would blog about the conversation and made sure she had the URL for where it would appear.

I was all set to blog about it, but then I experienced a strange, unknown sensation. It was kind of like being queasy with a side of torpor. I eventually figured out that it was because I felt a little badly about exposing my niece’s love life to the world at large, so I didn’t do the blog.

Silly me.

This Thanksgiving, I was once again seated with the now 16-year-old niece and her 13-year-old brother. The niece, Christin, then asked why I hadn’t written the blog. She read all my blogs faithfully, waiting to see it appear. When it didn’t, she asked her father why I hated her, as a single, solitary tear rolled down her cheek.

So, here we go. I will now blog about the conversation I had at Thanksgiving dinner with my 16-year-old niece Christin and her brother, 13-year-old Matthew (aka Stinky).

Remember, you asked for it:

Christin has a crush on Alex, who’s not only missing an ear, but is her brother’s best friend. So, to put it mildly, she likes younger men. However, Christin was also ‘dating’ one Ivan (or possibly Igor or Ivar or something), who gave her a necklace for her birthday, only to be dumped two days later.

NOTE: I was going to change the names to protect the innocent, but I couldn’t remember the names anyway, so I just made them up.

Christin is currently single and dreams of going to New York for college before she heads to Montana to pursue her dream of yak herding (see Do Not Believe Me: Part 1 and 2). Alex will, of course, follow her and then they will be wed under the wide Montana sky, to the sounds of yaks lowing and farting. He will leave her, though, for a sultry llama herder named Veronica. Christin’s heart will be broken, but she will find solace in the arms of swarthy truck driver named Ned, who gave up his dreams of being a NASA Engineer for the call of the open road.

Oh, Ned’s also missing an ear. Christin seems to have a thing for one-eared men. I don’t know why.

Matt was understandably coy about his love life, but I managed to drag from him that he had a crush on a girl named Susan. He wouldn’t tell me what happened, thus I am forced to assume he threw up on her (he’s like that).

I then posited that he was in love with a raven haired temptress, whose dark eyes made his voice go all funny. He protested, insisting that he didn’t know what a ‘raven haired temptress’ was. I told him it was a kind of goat. He seemed confused.

I should note that they ASK for me to sit with them.

The conversation meandered after that, but this was the ‘juicy’ bit, so to speak. I advised Christin to pursue some sort of animal husbandry related degree (like Journalism) to give her leg up on her yak herding. I suggested to Matt that he should get a dictionary. Then we had pie and played Wii games.

I won.

-Uncle Jason


Jerron said...

Google Account? Seriously? Oh well, if I find some spammers, I'm gonna have the wallaby eat them for inconveniencing me so much.

Anyhow, I always used to like my Uncle, too. Single, witty, he did a lot of cool stuff.

I wonder why they want to sit with you? :P

Anonymous said...

So, I am trying to understand, are your family made up of time-travelers? Kind of like the people in "The Time-Traveler's Wife"? (I never saw the movie, uh, my wife saw it and, um, told me about it, yeah, that's it.)

Two years ago, your niece and nephew were 9 and 13, now they are 13 and 16?


Jason Janicki said...

I dunno why they want to sit with me. I certainly have fun :)

I have it on good authority that they are 13 and 16 presently. I may have simply forgotten their actual ages when I did the original blog and guessed.

Granted, they may simply be aliens. This has occured to me more than once :)