Tuesday, December 15, 2009


I happened to be driving home the other night and noticed that the sign on the local KFC had changed. Rather than ‘10pc Bcket $6.99,’ it now read ‘Die Jason Die.’ I was rather flattered.

NOTE: Granted, it’s possible they meant some other Jason. There are several million of us in Redmond alone (which is interesting as the population is only 120,000 or so). However, I was reassured when I noticed the employee holding a sign beneath it that read ‘We mean Jason Janicki. We’re cool with everyone else.’

It then occurred to me that I had never actually seen anyone changing one of those signs.


In all my one hundred and eleven years, I still have no idea how they actually do it. I suppose that the signs themselves could be programmable or something, but I kinda doubt a neighborhood KFC or your average movie theater would have that sort of money. I mean, if they did, they wouldn’t bother actually opening the business and would instead spend their days in a luxurious money bath with nubile maidens pouring cash over their heads and fishing quarters out of inconvenient places.

Which brings me back to my original point (and I did have one). How do they change the signs? I suppose I could simply ask someone or check Wikipedia or something, but that would be proactive. Instead, I will choose to believe they employ . . . you thought I was going to say ninjas weren’t you?

Honestly, people. I can go a whole blog without mentioning ninjas (though I managed to fail spectacularly on that count in this particular blog).
Gnomes. The correct answer is: gnomes.

As far as I can tell (meaning I made it all up), in the old days, the gnomes were enslaved by evil sign builders and were imprisoned in the signs. They were forced at vegetable-point to change the letters and those that refused were severely beaten with some sort of beating-thing.

Eventually, they rose up and after a great battle that left many a buttock bruised and veggie pureed, they won their freedom. However, they eventually realized that they rather enjoyed living in the signs and all that, so they decided to stay and work for day-old popcorn and Pez.

Yes, gnomes are weird little buggers.

So, to sum up: KFC hates me and gnomes live in signs.

Now, some people might claim that the employees simply change the signs with a stick-like tool and ladders. Needless to say, I vastly prefer my version.

Then again, what if the gnomes were also ninjas?



Jerron said...

What if it were Gnome ninjas with stick-like tool-weapons (all those oriental weapons are also tools anyhow) and magic folding ladders?

They could sneak in even if you weren't on the first story, and grab your cinnamon rolls with their sticks while they sitting right next to your coffee!

We gotta stop this before it gets out of hand! If they start grabbing coffee, it's all-out war! War, I say!

J. Alexander Van Belkum said...

Obviously the gnomes were beaten with radishes, as beets are the wrong shape, and carrots break.

The gnome-moguls who sold their fellow gnomes into slavery dined on cantelope and slept in hollowed-out watermelons. I know this for a fact, because I own a giant sign, and maintain the gnomes within.

"gunner" said...

actually the gnomes went to work for a travel agency starring in rather annoying t.v. adverts, and due to numerous accidents on the job they are rapidily becoming extinct.

Jason Janicki said...

Gnomes? On my cinnamon rolls? It's war! War I say!

What if you put the carrots and/or beets into a sack and then hit them with it? That would probably hurt.

So what do you pay your gnomes, J. Alexander? Is it popcorn and Pez?

Actually, I think those are the gnomes that washed out of sign school. Notice, he's not very mobile and you need to be able to climb if you're on sign duty.

J. Alexander Van Belkum said...

Oh, mine are paid in baseboard lint, shiny things, and the occasional pizza. They really, really love pizza, and it puts down almost any worker's unrest.

Jason Janicki said...

Nice. I may have to get some of my own :)

Jerron said...

Notice that gnomes who only get baseboard lint and shiny things would really love just about anything edible...