I Absolutely Do Not Care

I called my mother last night. I try to do that once a week, just to let her know that I’m alive and thinking about her. She’s always very happy to hear from me, once I remind her that I’m actually one her three sons and my name is ‘Jason.’ Sometime I think she just plays along.

NOTE: I did give her a picture of me one year, just so she would have a constant reminder. She autographed it and handed it back.

Anyway, I called my mom and after establishing my identity, she asked ‘Are you following the Tiger Woods scandal?’

Here is an exact transcript of that conversation:

‘Are you following the Tiger Woods scandal?’

‘I heard there was something going on, but no.’

‘But it’s so fascinating! He’s got fourteen mistresses!’

‘Honestly, I could care less where he’s putting his pee-pee.’

‘Really? But Sports Illustrated named him the Athlete of the Decade?’

‘For what?’

Seriously, that was the exact conversation. And yes, I do say ‘pee-pee’ around my mother. It’s an old habit instilled through several vigorous beatings when I was young. It also explains why I tend to list to the left when I walk.

But yes, I really could care less what or who Tiger Woods is doing. I could also care less about what any celebrity is doing. Their lives do not impact mine in any way shape or form. I just dread having to hear about it on the news for the next month. News should be about missiles and other life threatening things, not who’s putting what into who.

Now obviously if someone’s fooling around gets missiles launched, then it’s new worthy.

Also, as long as I’m here, does golf count as a sport? Now, I’m sure some of you out there are golfers and are ready to take umbrage at this, but my definition of ‘sport’ includes ‘and you sweat when doing it.’

NOTE: An alternate definition of ‘sport’ could be: Does it require steroids? But I decided not to take that tact because children read this (anything is possible) and I don’t want them getting the wrong impression. Stay in school!

For me, cycling is a sport. Speed skating is a sport. Football and basketball are sports. Baseball is sometimes a sport. Ice Skating is like a sport, but since the scoring is completely arbitrary, not really (though they do get sweaty). Golf, not really. Oh, I’m sure it’s difficult, but when its primary players are middle-aged men with bad backs, you gotta question it. So for Sports Illustrated to name Tiger Athlete of the Decade, it seems kinda off.

So, to sum up: I don’t care about Tiger Woods, unless he’s shooting missiles that might kill me.

Cheers,
-Jason