Thursday, September 10, 2009


I happened to watch an old Jackie Chan film the other day. It’s known as either The Big Brawl or Battle Creek Brawl and basically, Jackie beats up thugs in 1930s-ish Chicago.

NOTE: The film has a rather involved plot (for a kung-fu movie), but it’s basically an excuse to watch Jackie Chan beat up people in period costumes. Arguably, plots in kung-fu movies are largely there for show, as you don’t watch them for the story or acting, but to see men and women acrobatically hurt each other with various parts of their anatomies and occasionally, swords and/or sticks.

Now it’s not just that Jackie spends his time beating up thugs, it’s that he beats up the same thugs repeatedly. He fights the same group of guys three or four times and they always lose. For plot-related reasons, they can’t just shoot him and be done with it. No, they endeavor to return the favor with fists, the occasional bat, and at one point, a Chevy.

NOTE: Might’ve been a Ford. I didn’t really notice.

They were pummeled so frequently, I actually started to feel bad for them. Here they are, your average, work-a-day thugs, trying to make ends meet with a variety of protection rackets, bootlegging, smuggling, and good ol’ fashioned mugging, and instead of making any sort of profit, they spend their time being fed into the human wood chipper that is Jackie Chan.

It got me thinking. What was going through their heads as they went up against Jackie, time and time again?

Moe: Hey, it’s that Chinese kid! Let’s go rough ‘em up!

Jimmy the Amusing Nickname: What, you mean that guy? Ain’t he the guy that beat us up yesterday? And twice on Tuesday?

Moe: Yeah, we got’s to get our revenge!

Jimmy the Amusing Nickname: But ain’t he just gonna beat beat us up again? I mean, I’m all for a vicious beatin’, but that kid ain’t human!

Moe: What’re you, scared?

Jimmy the Amusing Nickname: Nah, but, we jumped him with seven guys yesterday and he took us all. Little Nicky needs a machine to help him pee now.

Moe: So? See this? We got an edge – heh.

Jimmy the Amusing Nickname: But he beat us up with an old sock stuffed with dryer lint and three marbles! No knife is gonna even them odds!

Moe: But today’s Thursday! We got +2 to morale!

Jimmy the Amusing Nickname: Oh, well why didn’t ya say so!

A merciless beating (theirs) commences.



Toil3T said...

I hope they had work-cover health insurance. Poor guys.

ThatGuy said...

Don't think that I didn't notice that "We have an edge"-knife pun.

TX_Val said...

Nice pun... Shame you posted the thursday +2 on Friday. I bet you were just hiding that little piece of info from the ninja's.

"and now for something completely different"

This would be so sweet to see..

"Howard Shore's complete score performed live to the film"
LoTR, the fellowship of the ring.

by.. the 21st centruy orchestra, the collegiate chorale, brooklyn youth chorus, and kaitlyn Lusk, conducted by ludwig wicki.. etc etc.

If that link didn't work, it should still be on the main page..

Sharon T Rose said...

Jackie IS a human-shaped woodchipper, I will agree.

Jason Janicki said...

It was the 1930s, probably not :(, Toil3T.

I would never, ever, try and sneak a pun in there, ThatGuy. The point of the blog is to make sharp comments about contemporary life with razor-like precision, not to stab blindly with silly puns.

Thanks, TX_Val. I agree, that would be completely sweet to see! I'm not that big of a music buff, but that would be an experience!

I agree, Sharon. I got an autographed copy of his biography many years ago when it came out. I waited in line for about 6 hours to shake his hand and it was totally worth it :)