Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Dental Deficiencies

I have a small announcement. It has lately come to my attention that I am a complete failure as a human being and as a man. I am, it hurts me to say, a completely useless individual, lower than even an amoeba’s poop. I hereby apologize to my friends, siblings, parents, and ancestors and to the entire world in general for my total . . . er, I need another word for ‘failure.’

Ummm, inadequacies? Deficiency? Yes, that’s it. I hereby apologize to my friends, siblings, parents, and ancestors and to the entire world in general for my absolute and irredeemable deficiencies.

You see, my teeth aren’t perfectly white.

Oh, they’re not yellow-ochre or anything. They’re a bit dark and there are some spots from a dental procedure gone bad, but it’s not like they’re so black light can’t escape from my mouth.

NOTE: That was a weird mental image.

It’s just that all the commercials I’ve seen suggest that if your teeth aren’t perfectly white, you will never be able to get a date, buy a home, have good credit, get a promotion or raise, or even be considered for evacuation in event of a massive urban crisis.

I suppose I’m just lucky that I don’t have to carry a staff with a bell on it and shout ‘Bad Teeth!’ to any who might come near.

So, if you happen to see me at a comic convention, at the store, or y’know, anywhere, feel free to shun me like you would someone wearing half a raccoon on their head. I will totally understand.



Anonymous said...

Let's put it this way:
really white teeth aren't that healthy as those advertisements want you to believe.

It's just an image those companies press because they want to rip you off your hard earned money.

In real a light yellow color is good.
A deeper yellow is not good,
gray is a reason to go to a dentist because it may indicate a dying tooth.

TX_Val said...

"gray is a reason to go to a dentist because it may indicate a dying tooth."

HA.. that might be a reminder you're a failure like Jason. Gray might be a tad late.

Yeah, Well apparently I have to quit coming to this website now, his dental deficiencies show a lack of human decency that can not be excused.

Maybe the word you wanted was
"stupid misfortunate placenta"

Yeah.. he said misfortunate..

TX_Val said...

Oh, yeah, I only have one friend with WHITE teeth. One day I finally made a comment and told him, his smile made me self conscious about my own. While I have fairly healthy teeth, I have fillings and they're not white.

Anyway, he laughed and told me not to take it so hard. ALL his teeth were fake. They were composites. He had a horrible wreck (auto) that almost killed him, they pulled the few teeth that survived, and put in these fake ones. His face was held together with bits of metal, they had to reconstruct his entire face. He's got bits of metal lacing some bones.

You really can't tell that he had any surgery, except for a scar on his chin. He keeps some form of facial hair to cover that scar, so you still can't tell.

Anyway.. Most healthy, natural people I've ever met, obviously don't fit in commercials. :)

Kris said...

So, just general curiosity, would you wear half a raccoon if given the chance?

Jason Janicki said...

I'm not really too worried about the state of my teeth :)

I didn't actually know that about teeth color. Interesting. I'm assuming the tooth goes gray because of lack of blood flow?

I don't blame you, TX_Val, not one bit. I'll just be in the corner, looking for a bell to ring or something.

I also knew a guy with perfect teeth because of an accident. He got launched off a dirt-bike while not wearing a helmet and face-planted. His face wasn't too badly ripped up, but he managed to catch a rock with his jaw and basically shattered his jaw and most of his teeth.

Depends. Normally, no. For enough money or if she was that good looking, yes. I realize this indicates a certain shallowness, but there you go.

Silver said...

I completely fail to see what's wrong with wearing half a raccoon.

I came to the same realisation about teeth a few years back, being the pro-active and responsible person that I am, I of course completely removed my own teeth and had them replaced by a new perfect set. Since then I've taken similar precautions with my hair, my skin and eyes. Seeing as we humans are unexucasably flawed in all ways, I choose not to imitate human appearance. I've always preferred metal anyway, especially silver and platina.

You should try the same, I'm not a perfect, gorgeous statue, and I couldn't be happier. Granted, I can't move, feel, talk or eat, but that's a small price to pay for physical perfection, wouldn't you agree?

Ed said...

Years ago, my brother tried one of those treatments for super-white teeth. It made his teeth super-sensitive for about a month, such that he could not drink soda, coffee, or alcohol, he could not eat solid foods, and he couldn't smile anywhere with a breeze. (Well, not for very long, anyway.)

Note that his teeth did not remain overly-white for anywhere near as long as the sensitivity.

Also, apparently, when you walk around with super-white teeth, people look at you funny.

Jason Janicki said...

Interesting, Silver. Did you just have them plant an internet connection in your brain? Just curious :)

Wow, that sounds horrible, Ed (the tooth hurting part). Makes me shudder.