Wednesday, September 2, 2009

The Smear Fairy

I was about 10-years old and sitting in the backseat of a car with my friend Alex Monto. His mother was driving us somewhere at night and I noticed a large, glowy thingie, possibly a sign. Indicating said glowie thingy and hoping it would turn out to be a UFO, I asked what it was. Alex turned to me and said ‘You can’t read that? Man, you need glasses!’

It was a K-Mart sign. A huge K-Mart sign.

So, I got glasses. I don’t mind them, though I did wear contacts for a number of years. I switched back to glasses when I realized the ninjas were less likely to punch me in the face whilst I was wearing them. This led to a (brief) experimentation with glasses-based clothing, but I digress.

And the point of all this (and there is one, trust me)? Where in the hell do all the smears on my glasses come from?

I mean, I don’t touch the lenses. I’m very careful about how I handle them, as I’m prone to damaging small things if I don’t pay attention. Leigh keeps trying to keep me from touching his miniatures for exactly that reason (honestly, you flick one mini over and he has a heart attack. It did actually become airborne and lodge into the wall, so I guess he has something there).

Anyway, my glasses, for no readily apparent reason, are constantly smeared with oil, grease, blood, holy water, and the occasional whole McNugget. I will wash them and an hour later, notice a huge smear across the lenses.

I’m either subconsciously taking off my glasses, licking them, and putting them back on or my eyeballs are capable of spraying a fine mist of grease on both sides of the lenses. Either way, I probably need help.

NOTE: Notice that I did not choose to blame ninjas. I have realized after many hours of soul-searching and extremely expensive psychotherapy that ninjas are not the sole reason for every calamity in my life. I have accepted the fact that blaming ninjas was merely a scapegoating tactic I used to justify my paranoia. Ninjas are not real. They are not out to destroy my life. The men who constantly ambush me are probably just innocent bystanders who happen to be wearing black. Their frequent attacks are merely a response to seeing a large, 225 pound, shaggy-haired Yeti-thing (me) bearing down on them while screaming incoherently (singing).

I honestly don’t get it. It’s like my glasses attract stray grease atoms. The only other option would be some sort of Smear Fairy, who spends her time flitting about with a wand and a can of lard, liberally applying grease to every lens she finds.

Either that or ninj-

Crap. Now I have to call Dr. Shinobi.



Darren said...

You could always try Dr McNinja (a webcomic). He's good at killing AND at saving lives.

Sharon T. Rose said...

Does Dr. McNinja kill fairies?
(The kind who smear glasses, not the other kind.)

My glasses are also always in need of smear-b-gone. I think the issue I have is not with a fairy but with the gremlin who lives in the gas tank of my car and drinks all the gasoline that I paid for. He's mad that I make him pay rent, so he smudges my glasses in revenge. Like I can spend his stupid Banc du Mud notes, anyhow. Jerk.

Snickering Corpses said...

Practical answer? At least partially, it's body oils from your forehead and face. And you probably touch them more than you realize. Brushing hair back off my forehead some part of my hand will often touch the glasses, for instance.

J. Alexander Van Belkum said...

Try washing your glasses, then immediately setting them down and not going near them for the rest of the night. If, in the morning, they're smudged, you have a fairy infestation. If that is the case, call 1-800-IDONTBELIEVEINFAIRIES

Jason Janicki said...

Yeah, I do read Dr. McNinja! Somehow, I don't think I could cover the kind of property damage calling him would incur :)

True, it could be gremlins. You could use his Banc du Mud notes to hire other gremlins to protect your glasses. Just a thought . . .

Actually, I have barbed wire rims, so I KNOW when I touch them :) Yes, you're right, Snickering Corpses, though fairies make it much more interesting.

Good idea, J. Alexander Van Belkum. It would be even better if I had fairy-sized traps laid out around them . . . :)

Jerron said...

Busy, so late commenting, but here's the big kicker:

With a name like Dr. Shinobi, are you sure he isn't just trying to convince you there are no ninjas, when in reality, he himself is one? Worming his way into your good graces, and insinuating his entire ninja clan unsuspecting into your life, since you now believe they don't exist. it would be much harder to spot them if they didn't exist, wouldn't it?

Afer all, you've had actual conversations with them, where they have aditting to their ninja-foolery, haven't you? (I surmise those must have been the apprentices. The journeymen ninja would not be noticed enough to talk, and even if they were, probably wouldn't talk.)

Jason Janicki said...

Now that you mention it that does seem rather suspicious. There have been other things, like the way he killed that fly with a shuriken, that have made me wonder . . .