Lord Richard Karsis, 2nd cousin twice-removed of the Emperor’s best-friend’s hair-dresser, stood on the bridge of his flagship, the Farkinator, watching the purples of hyperspace swirl past the main monitor.
“Well?” he demanded.
“We are preparing to drop out of hyperspace, Star Admiral,” said the young lieutenant at the helm.
“Excellent. And the Obliteratrix Cannon?”
“Fully charged and ready to fire, sir.”
“Order the fleet to deploy into battle formation once we enter normal space,” said the Star Admiral, as he walked to his command chair and sat down. An ensign with a gold bucket to the left of the chair immediately stepped forward.
“Entering normal space in . . . 3 . . . 2 . . . 1,” called out the lieutenant.
There was a sudden, sickening sensation, as if you’d just eaten a dozen cheeseburgers and a chocolate shake and they suddenly decided to come out both ends at the same time, and then the purple on the screen faded, to be replaced by a field of stars.
The ensign with the bucket leaned forward, as the Star Admiral went green. He held up a finger, swallowed hard, and then made a face.
“Thank you, ensign,” said the Star Admiral after a moment. “But I won’t need the bucket today.”
“Very good, sir.”
The Star Admiral burped. “Status report?” he called out, waving a gloved hand in front of his face.
“The fleet is forming up on us as we speak, sir. We should be fully deployed within ten minutes.”
“Admiral!” another lieutenant called out. “We have contacts bearing 7.8 Gorth by 212 Bung!”
“Where’s that?”
“Uhhh . . . “ the lieutenant point down and to the left. “That way, more or less.”
“Put it on-screen.”
It was the Emperor’s fleet, led by the flagship ‘Pokey Pony,’ which is what happens when you let your seven-year-old niece name your flagship.
“Communication from the Pokey Pony, sir.”
“Put it up.”
The screen flashed and the Star Admiral found himself looking at the scarred face of Fleet Admiral Throng.
“You have intruded into Imperial space! Remove yourself immediately from this system or face the might of the Imperial Fleet!”
“Bold words, Throng!” said the Star Admiral. “But I will allow you to surrender before I unleash my Obliteratrix upon you!”
Throng stared. “Ricky?”
“It’s Richard!” said the Star Admiral. “Star Admiral if you must!”
There was a sudden alarm and the bridge crew of the Farkinator whirled back to their stations.
“What?” yelled the Star Admiral, over the siren.
“Unknown contacts at 480 Gorth by 77.3 Bung!” the lieutenant shouted. He pointed up and to the right. “Over there!”
“Show me!”
Throng disappeared, to be replaced by a vector-graphic map. The Star Admiral saw his fleet in green, which outnumbered the Imperial fleet which was displayed in blue. A new force, depicted in yellow and as numerous as his own, was appearing to the right of both fleets.
“Sir, communication from the unknown fleet!”
“Play it!”
“Bow before the might of the Hylarian Armada!” a deep voice rang out across the bridge. “Surrender or death are your only options!” There was a pause. “Wait a minute,” said the voice. “If that’s the Imperial Fleet, who the hell are you guys?”
Tomorrow: Part 2
Monday, June 9, 2008
Sunday, June 8, 2008
Spokane Wrap-Up
Well, we survived.
If you didn't know, it's about five hours from Redmond to Spokane, which isn't too bad, but the good conversation topics dry up pretty quickly. Leigh and I ended up spending the majority of the car trip commenting on place names.
Note: Someone please explain Salmon La Sac? It literally means Salmon Bag. We are curious.
The con itself went really well. It was rather small, but the atmosphere was very easy going and we spent a lot of time talking to both con-goers and people at other booths.
Elizabeth from Famine Lands was there, whom we met at Emerald City. She is (and was) very cool. We also met Eric from PX! who rocked, as well as Lars from Northworld, who also rocked. We sat next to Robert from Hastily Scribbled, who refrained from attacking us with his paper army (and he rocked too). I also had a long chat with Darren from Bluewater Productions and he very graciously answered all my questions.
Eliza, a frequent commenter on the blog, came by and said 'hi!' Actually, she came by and said 'Update more!' I then explained that I can only work Leigh so hard and she seemed to accept that.
We also had several long talks with Deunan from the 501st Legion and learned much about Jedi robes are put together and why it sucks to be a Stormtrooper (other than the obvious).
We even took some pictures with her and Darth Vader:
Deunan, Leigh, Vader
Deunan, Jason (me), Vader
You will note I went with my 'Robin Hood' pose. I thought it appropriate.
Anyhow, a good time was had by all, even though we were not attacked by the living dead and my Zombie Combat kit once again came home unused.
Tomorrow: Epic Battles! In Space!
If you didn't know, it's about five hours from Redmond to Spokane, which isn't too bad, but the good conversation topics dry up pretty quickly. Leigh and I ended up spending the majority of the car trip commenting on place names.
Note: Someone please explain Salmon La Sac? It literally means Salmon Bag. We are curious.
The con itself went really well. It was rather small, but the atmosphere was very easy going and we spent a lot of time talking to both con-goers and people at other booths.
Elizabeth from Famine Lands was there, whom we met at Emerald City. She is (and was) very cool. We also met Eric from PX! who rocked, as well as Lars from Northworld, who also rocked. We sat next to Robert from Hastily Scribbled, who refrained from attacking us with his paper army (and he rocked too). I also had a long chat with Darren from Bluewater Productions and he very graciously answered all my questions.
Eliza, a frequent commenter on the blog, came by and said 'hi!' Actually, she came by and said 'Update more!' I then explained that I can only work Leigh so hard and she seemed to accept that.
We also had several long talks with Deunan from the 501st Legion and learned much about Jedi robes are put together and why it sucks to be a Stormtrooper (other than the obvious).
We even took some pictures with her and Darth Vader:
Deunan, Leigh, Vader
Deunan, Jason (me), Vader
You will note I went with my 'Robin Hood' pose. I thought it appropriate.
Anyhow, a good time was had by all, even though we were not attacked by the living dead and my Zombie Combat kit once again came home unused.
Tomorrow: Epic Battles! In Space!
Thursday, June 5, 2008
So tomorrow, Leigh and I will be in Spokane for the Spokane Comic-Con!
We’ll be sellin’ books, signin’ autographs, kissin’ babies, breakin’ hearts, and savin’ lives (not necessarily in that order).
Well, the first two might happen. They don’t let babies near us after the unfortunate ‘‘I thought it was food’ incident’ at Emerald Con. The less said about that the better (though frankly, if you dress your infant in something that has the Taco Bell logo on it, you should expect some confusion).
I will be bringing my Zombie Combat Kit, though I begin to despair of ever finding any zombies to fight. I built the kit about 8-years ago and other than occasionally opening it, sighing, and closing it again, it hasn’t seen much action.
My kit contains:
2-bottles of water (probably should put some new ones in there, someday)
A machete (for killing zombies)
A shovel (for putting them back where they belong)
*A flamethrower (obvious)
A Barbie doll (for someone to talk to in the post-apocalyptic wasteland)
An Original Gameboy with Tetris (for downtime and to distract zombies. Zombies love Tetris)
350 rolls of toilet paper (when the apocalypse comes, this stuff will be GOLD)
*I don’t actually have a flamethrower. I do have a Bic Disposable Lighter which I refer to as ‘my flamethrower.’
Anyway, come on by and say ‘hi’ if you’re in the area.
Cheers,
-Jason
We’ll be sellin’ books, signin’ autographs, kissin’ babies, breakin’ hearts, and savin’ lives (not necessarily in that order).
Well, the first two might happen. They don’t let babies near us after the unfortunate ‘‘I thought it was food’ incident’ at Emerald Con. The less said about that the better (though frankly, if you dress your infant in something that has the Taco Bell logo on it, you should expect some confusion).
I will be bringing my Zombie Combat Kit, though I begin to despair of ever finding any zombies to fight. I built the kit about 8-years ago and other than occasionally opening it, sighing, and closing it again, it hasn’t seen much action.
My kit contains:
2-bottles of water (probably should put some new ones in there, someday)
A machete (for killing zombies)
A shovel (for putting them back where they belong)
*A flamethrower (obvious)
A Barbie doll (for someone to talk to in the post-apocalyptic wasteland)
An Original Gameboy with Tetris (for downtime and to distract zombies. Zombies love Tetris)
350 rolls of toilet paper (when the apocalypse comes, this stuff will be GOLD)
*I don’t actually have a flamethrower. I do have a Bic Disposable Lighter which I refer to as ‘my flamethrower.’
Anyway, come on by and say ‘hi’ if you’re in the area.
Cheers,
-Jason
Wednesday, June 4, 2008
Three In The Afternoon
Here's a fun Star Wars fan video that I happened across.
It's rather clever and has a fun ending.
I'll be back tomorrow with a blog about zombies and Spokane.
Cheers,
-Jason
It's rather clever and has a fun ending.
I'll be back tomorrow with a blog about zombies and Spokane.
Cheers,
-Jason
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
Tomorrow: World Domination and a Latte: Part 2
I mean, who would suspect? If I was an actual evil genius (as opposed to being a semi-evil, non-genius) who actually liked coffee, I would totally do all my plotting at a Starbucks.
You have access to coffee, wi-fi, friendly baristas, and a generally clean bathroom (which is so nice, because the minions always make a mess). Plus, there would be all those opportunities to network with other evil geniuses. It would basically be evil heaven.
I mean, who hasn’t dreamt of shouting ‘You fools!’ and cackling loudly while triumphantly pressing a key? Obviously, I can’t be the only one.
Sure, you could do it by yourself in your volcano lair, but you then miss out on all the great expressions.
Note to self: Pay someone $20 to do that in a Starbucks and film it.
Of course, the secret agent from the nearby McDonald’s would try to stop you, which would mean that you’d have to travel to Taco Bell to activate your giant robot and then pick up your minions at the Chuck E. Cheese for the grand battle at the Arby’s.
Maybe I shouldn’t blog when I’m hungry?
Cheers,
-Jason
You have access to coffee, wi-fi, friendly baristas, and a generally clean bathroom (which is so nice, because the minions always make a mess). Plus, there would be all those opportunities to network with other evil geniuses. It would basically be evil heaven.
I mean, who hasn’t dreamt of shouting ‘You fools!’ and cackling loudly while triumphantly pressing a key? Obviously, I can’t be the only one.
Sure, you could do it by yourself in your volcano lair, but you then miss out on all the great expressions.
Note to self: Pay someone $20 to do that in a Starbucks and film it.
Of course, the secret agent from the nearby McDonald’s would try to stop you, which would mean that you’d have to travel to Taco Bell to activate your giant robot and then pick up your minions at the Chuck E. Cheese for the grand battle at the Arby’s.
Maybe I shouldn’t blog when I’m hungry?
Cheers,
-Jason
Monday, June 2, 2008
World Domination and a Latte: Part 1
So, one of the staples of life in the northwest is the ubiquitous coffee shop, be it Starbucks, Tulley’s, or any of a dozen others. Now, I don’t actually drink coffee, as it tastes like what I imagine straining water through a Bog Body and then heating it would taste like, but I do occasionally go into Starbucks, as I have a number of friends that cannot live without their weekly or daily coffee.
Note: If you want to see a Bog Body, click here.
On those occasions when I’m in a Starbucks, I have noted that there is always at least one person there working industriously at their laptop (which is almost always a Mac) while sipping coffee. I have seen as many as five people at one time working away, their keys tapping in unison as they go about their strange and possibly eldritch business.
Note: I am delighted that I managed to work ‘eldritch’ into the blog.
So, the question, of course, is what the hell are these people working on? I would never actually look at their screen as I happened by, which would be rude, much like reading over someone’s shoulder. Granted, if when I passed by, I heard faint ‘70s porn music, I would obviously look, but who wouldn’t?
The answer is: World Domination.
It makes sense, really.
Tomorrow: World Domination and a Latte: Part 2
Note: If you want to see a Bog Body, click here.
On those occasions when I’m in a Starbucks, I have noted that there is always at least one person there working industriously at their laptop (which is almost always a Mac) while sipping coffee. I have seen as many as five people at one time working away, their keys tapping in unison as they go about their strange and possibly eldritch business.
Note: I am delighted that I managed to work ‘eldritch’ into the blog.
So, the question, of course, is what the hell are these people working on? I would never actually look at their screen as I happened by, which would be rude, much like reading over someone’s shoulder. Granted, if when I passed by, I heard faint ‘70s porn music, I would obviously look, but who wouldn’t?
The answer is: World Domination.
It makes sense, really.
Tomorrow: World Domination and a Latte: Part 2
Sunday, June 1, 2008
Spokane Comic-Con
Just a reminder, we will be in Spokane for the Spokane Comicon on June 7th. Neither of us has ever been to Spokane and we have a history of getting lost, so that should be an adventure in itself.
Hopefully, a few of you will be able to make come by and say ‘hi.’
Note: We’ll be the two nerds sitting at a table, just in case you can’t seem to find us.
In other news, we got a new page up! Hurray! As we have said, we will be updating once a week without warning for a while, until we get some things straightened out.
That’s it for now. Look for a new blog tomorrow about world domination.
Cheers,
-Jason
Hopefully, a few of you will be able to make come by and say ‘hi.’
Note: We’ll be the two nerds sitting at a table, just in case you can’t seem to find us.
In other news, we got a new page up! Hurray! As we have said, we will be updating once a week without warning for a while, until we get some things straightened out.
That’s it for now. Look for a new blog tomorrow about world domination.
Cheers,
-Jason
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