Tomorrow: World Domination and a Latte: Part 2

I mean, who would suspect? If I was an actual evil genius (as opposed to being a semi-evil, non-genius) who actually liked coffee, I would totally do all my plotting at a Starbucks.

You have access to coffee, wi-fi, friendly baristas, and a generally clean bathroom (which is so nice, because the minions always make a mess). Plus, there would be all those opportunities to network with other evil geniuses. It would basically be evil heaven.

I mean, who hasn’t dreamt of shouting ‘You fools!’ and cackling loudly while triumphantly pressing a key? Obviously, I can’t be the only one.

Sure, you could do it by yourself in your volcano lair, but you then miss out on all the great expressions.

Note to self: Pay someone $20 to do that in a Starbucks and film it.

Of course, the secret agent from the nearby McDonald’s would try to stop you, which would mean that you’d have to travel to Taco Bell to activate your giant robot and then pick up your minions at the Chuck E. Cheese for the grand battle at the Arby’s.

Maybe I shouldn’t blog when I’m hungry?

Cheers,
-Jason

World Domination and a Latte: Part 1

So, one of the staples of life in the northwest is the ubiquitous coffee shop, be it Starbucks, Tulley’s, or any of a dozen others. Now, I don’t actually drink coffee, as it tastes like what I imagine straining water through a Bog Body and then heating it would taste like, but I do occasionally go into Starbucks, as I have a number of friends that cannot live without their weekly or daily coffee.

Note: If you want to see a Bog Body, click here.

On those occasions when I’m in a Starbucks, I have noted that there is always at least one person there working industriously at their laptop (which is almost always a Mac) while sipping coffee. I have seen as many as five people at one time working away, their keys tapping in unison as they go about their strange and possibly eldritch business.

Note: I am delighted that I managed to work ‘eldritch’ into the blog.

So, the question, of course, is what the hell are these people working on? I would never actually look at their screen as I happened by, which would be rude, much like reading over someone’s shoulder. Granted, if when I passed by, I heard faint ‘70s porn music, I would obviously look, but who wouldn’t?

The answer is: World Domination.

It makes sense, really.

Tomorrow: World Domination and a Latte: Part 2

The Terrible Ball in the Sky

It has been hot lately in the Pacific Northwest. By hot, I mean small-dogs-exploding-in-the-sun hot. Fans are sold out everywhere. Car windows are rolled down. People are considering getting AC. It is actually uncomfortable walking from your car to the nearest Starbucks (There is one every 50 yards – It is a state law in Washington).

How hot was it, you ask? Slightly over 80 degrees!!!!

Please stop laughing. For us, this is HOT. We are wearing shorts, people, and as a general rule, we do not tan. The glare from the white legs can probably be seen from space.

Now I realize that many of you live in much hotter climes. I spent a few years in Fresno, California. I will forego the typical jokes about Fresno and point out that 110 degrees Fahrenheit (-23 Celsius) was not uncommon in the summer. Everything in Fresno has AC: homes, cars, baby-strollers, walk-in freezers. You have to, otherwise you just die.

Some of you are still laughing. Some of you live in climates where its 110 in the shade in winter. The inside of your refrigerators is probably higher than 80 degrees. Good for you. I will not be visiting any time soon.

Even as I am writing this, the clouds have rolled in. Ah, blessed clouds. The temperature is dropping and soon there will be rain again. Life will return to normal and we will be able to get our triple-mocha-latte-expresso-chinos without actually sweating. Enjoy your hot climates, I like a little rain.

Cheers,
-Jason