HOT

Well, the current news from my corner of the Pacific Northwest is: it’s hot. It’s frickin’ hot. I actually saw a small dog explode from the heat. Well, it was either that or cats have developed advanced missile technology, either is possible.

NOTE: I didn’t actually see a dog explode. I did see some sort of critter go off, but I can’t say with 100% certainty that it was a dog. It might have been a marmoset. Or a chupacabra. I dunno.

The joke is that I used to live in Fresno, California (The Raisin Capital of the World). It routinely got to 110° in the summer. Anything below 100° was ‘warm.’ Anything below 70° was practically sweater weather. Ice did not naturally occur in Fresno, it was something you got out of a soda machine.

Anyway, it may be just me, but the weather has been ‘mad scientist crazy’ lately. We had serious, deep snow several times during the winter and now it’s hotter than . . . well, not hell, but definitely much hotter than it has any right to be.

I would normally blame ninjas, but they’re worse off than most, what with the black, full-body pajamas. I could also blame Canada, but I already blamed them for the cold snap we had, so that would be redundant.

Therefore, I choose to blame the guy in the red Honda that beeped at me for no reason at the stop sign today. I rolled up, stopped, and was letting another car go when be ‘beeped’ at me. It wasn’t an angry honk, just a quick tap, but I don’t know why he bothered, as it was going to cost him maybe ten seconds. I’m pretty sure he wasn’t trying to warn me that there wasn’t a psychopath in the bed of my truck, preparing to assault me with a pair of salad tongs (I check for that every morning).

Obviously, his beep was some sort of code for ‘ha ha, I made it hot.’ So damn you, red Honda guy, damn you for making me uncomfortable and slightly sticky.

Okay, really sticky.

Cheers,
-Jason

The Terrible Ball in the Sky

It has been hot lately in the Pacific Northwest. By hot, I mean small-dogs-exploding-in-the-sun hot. Fans are sold out everywhere. Car windows are rolled down. People are considering getting AC. It is actually uncomfortable walking from your car to the nearest Starbucks (There is one every 50 yards – It is a state law in Washington).

How hot was it, you ask? Slightly over 80 degrees!!!!

Please stop laughing. For us, this is HOT. We are wearing shorts, people, and as a general rule, we do not tan. The glare from the white legs can probably be seen from space.

Now I realize that many of you live in much hotter climes. I spent a few years in Fresno, California. I will forego the typical jokes about Fresno and point out that 110 degrees Fahrenheit (-23 Celsius) was not uncommon in the summer. Everything in Fresno has AC: homes, cars, baby-strollers, walk-in freezers. You have to, otherwise you just die.

Some of you are still laughing. Some of you live in climates where its 110 in the shade in winter. The inside of your refrigerators is probably higher than 80 degrees. Good for you. I will not be visiting any time soon.

Even as I am writing this, the clouds have rolled in. Ah, blessed clouds. The temperature is dropping and soon there will be rain again. Life will return to normal and we will be able to get our triple-mocha-latte-expresso-chinos without actually sweating. Enjoy your hot climates, I like a little rain.

Cheers,
-Jason