In the interest of continued good health and not getting out
of breath when I get off the couch, I’ve decided to embark upon a new diet of
my own device. I call it the ‘Eat What You Can Catch’ diet.
The premise is rather simple: you can only eat things you
catch. This will provide not only nutrition, but excellent overall exercise.
After all, our ancestors didn’t have the luxury of just waltzing into a 7-11
and grabbing a Big Gulp and a hot dog. No, back then, they had to chase and/or
find things on their own. If they wanted a Coke, they had to find a Coke tree
and knock the bottles off. If it was bare or out of season, tough. I’m also
assuming there is some sort of hot dog animal, kind of like a wiener with legs.
And no, not wiener dogs (yes, I know what you’re thinking).
Anyway, I began my diet this last Sunday and it didn’t start
as well as I hoped. I headed out shortly after I got up (around noon), armed
with a broom handle with a large fork duct-taped to it. I figured the extra
tines on the fork would make it easier to skewer the hot-dog animals, sort of
like a trident. However, I soon discovered that the local police frown on
running through the parks with a fork spear and was forced to relinquish my
only weapon.
NOTE: I asked the officers if they knew the whereabouts of
any hot-dog animals. They mentioned a pig-farm outside of town, but I insisted
that there were little hot dogs creatures that skittered about. Oddly enough,
this is when they took my fork spear away. I suspect they wanted to use it to
catch the hot dogs for themselves.
This left me with little choice but to forage for food with
my bare hands. The rest of the afternoon did not go well, though I did find
some berries that while tasty, might have been slightly hallucinogenic. At
least that’s what the trash can said.
Anyway, I decided to return home, vowing to get up early and
go get something to eat. Strangely enough, I barely managed to get out of bed
in the morning and stagger into work. There was a piece of burnt toast in the
kitchen area, so I managed to get a few calories from that. I know, I didn’t
technically ‘catch’ it, but I figured it was close enough. I later got my hands
on an M&M that my one of my coworkers dropped (it was green) and with that
calorie boost, I was able to make it through the rest of the day.
This morning I was very, very hungry and a little dizzy. I
weighed myself and found that I’d lost several pounds, so it seemed like I was
on the right track. Work was interesting, as I kept nodding off. I found a
peanut in one of the conference room. I only ate half of it, so I could have
something for dinner. Once I finally found my way home, I collapsed.
Realizing it was Tuesday, I mustered the energy to turn on
my computer and write this blog. Hopefully, I will find more food at work tomorrow.
I hear the lawyers upstairs have a candy dish out, so I might go on a raid if I
have the energy.
So, hopefully, by the time you read next week’s blog, I’ll
have dropped a ton of weight and be a new man. I might even write a diet book
based on my new system.
Now, if only the room would stop spinning.
Cheers,
-Jason
NOTE: For those of you who actually read the blog and wonder
how much of what I talk about is true, no. I am not following the diet I just
described. I’m eating sensibly from all four food groups: chocolate, Coke,
nougat, and sugar. In fact, I just had a delicious dinner of 3 Musketeers bars
and a liter of Coke. And I’m weirdly energetic. Go figure.
