Wednesday, April 29, 2009

The Cell of Cthulhu: Part 2

Of course, at a certain point the horrors will also get cell phones.

“The were-clown stole through the bushes, slowly circling the cabin on his unicycle of terror, his nose making a honking noise from the very depths of hell. Though the curtains were drawn, he could see the dim outlines of his prey, four nubile young co-eds who had blundered straight into his fiendish trap. As he neared, he saw sudden movement, a pillow arcing gracefully through the air to land on a giggling girl. The were-clown paused, a single honk hanging in the air like a question mark. He ventured closer, leaving a single tread mark of doom behind him, until he reached the window. All the girls were there and for no readily apparent reason, had stripped down to their underwear and were having a pillow fight. The were-clown watched for just a moment, his hands going to the pocket on his oversize bib to pull out a camera phone of pure malice.He began taking pictures. Lots of pictures.”

Pulitzer. No contest.

Vampires would be the first to get cell phones. Frankly, they probably invented the things themselves, just so they could talk even more about how difficult it is to be good-looking and immortal. The other creatures would get them soon after that. Frankenstein-style monsters would just come with them preinstalled.

NOTE: I wonder if you could distract a zombie with a cell-phone? As they shambled after you, you could throw one into their midst and shout ‘It’s for you!’ and see if they started trying to answer it. If any of you have a chance to try it, let me know.

Cthulhu’s cell phone would be enormous. It would also have the Ring Tone of Mylitharpical, the first two tones of which are enough to drive men mad. Those who hear the first five notes will be driven to suicide. Those few that can listen to the first ten and still live will find that it’s oddly danceable.

I’m not even going to consider what the Voice Message of Cthulhu would be like, though it would probably start with ‘Hi, this is Cthulhu. I’m asleep under the city of R’lyeh, so I can’t drive you insane right now. . .”