Tuesday, April 28, 2009

The Cell of Cthulhu: Part 1

I was working on a horror-short story the other day when I had a mild epiphany: nobody’s going to be scared of a cursed printer that prints nasty things in the middle of documents. I mean, mine does that all the time and I’m not scared of it.

NOTE: Considering it’s an incredibly cheap model, I’m pretty sure my printer isn’t cursed. I mean that’d be like cursing an individual gumball . . . which is not a bad idea. ‘The Dunwich Gumball.’

So after that epiphany, I started working on a different horror short story, featuring nubile co-eds being chased by a were-clown.

“Oh, no!” Bambi exclaimed. “We’re being chased by a were-clown!”

“Eeek!” said Candi. “Let’s run aimlessly into the woods and then hide in a shack.”

“Okay,” said Bambi. “And then we can have a pillow fight in our underwear!”

“Yay!” said Candy.

Yes, with dialogue of that caliber, the Pulitzer/Nobel Prize is all mine. And no, I didn’t spell ‘Candy’ two different ways. There are just two co-eds with similar names. ‘Bamby’ is also present, but she didn’t have any lines just then. Hey, if Tolkien can do ‘Sauron’ and ‘Sauroman,’ then I can do this.

Anyway, the were-clown would trap the girls in the cabin, where they would slowly run out of food. I then had a sudden revelation: cell phones. Everyone and their brother, including the family dog, now owns a cell phone. I couldn’t even put them in an out-of-service area nor have their batteries be dead, as that would be completely unbelievable, thus ruining the end of my perfectly reasonable story of hot coeds who defeat a were-clown by totally making out.

Basically, horror is based on three things: Being trapped, physically or metaphorically, ancient, un-stoppable evil, and not being able to call the Army from anywhere at any time. That last one’s a biggie, as lots of men with guns and tanks showing up does not good horror make. Even if you’re an eldritch abomination that can only be defeated by the Seven Very Old Sporks, getting shot/run over by a main battle tank is going to put a serious crimp in your style.

Tomorrow: Part 2


Sharon T. Rose said...

Sporks are ancient weapons indeed, being sacred to the Vikings and used not in battle but only in the holiest of ceremonies, such as Drunken Polar Bear Swimming and for Gaining Entrance To Valhalla The Hard Way.

Anonymous said...

That's "Saruman the White", not "Sauroman".

TX_Val said...

Yeah, but who's going to believe a giggly co-ed on the phone when they start babbling about being chased by a were-clown. The real horror would be when he changes back to a non-scarey clown, and is actually on the fire department that shows up to resuce them. Who would believe some dingy co-ed when they acuse a hero.

If they even know it's him... *muw AHAHA*

Maybe a spork falls out of his pocket and they gasp *GASP*

Anonymous said...

I thought the real horror would be when they got their phone bill... roaming charges!

matthew said...

Don't ever, EVER, underestimate the power of two co-eds making out.

Jason Janicki said...

Indeed, the Viking Spork has a long, often bloody, history.

My bad. Saruman the White it is.

All they really need to say is 'we're four hot, lonely co-eds who're trapped in a secluded cabin' and the entirety of the US and Canadian military would be there in about two minutes :)

Ooooh, 'The Horror of Roaming Charges' could be the sequel.

Indeed :)

TX_Val said...

Yeah, yer right.. about the 4 hot co-eds comment.

and yes, the horror or roaming charges sequel would be great. But you know it would be one of those sub-straight to DVD cheap sequels.

Maybe a Mock tweet site. That would be great. Like following charles manson on tweeter. *laugh*

I'm not into tweeter, but could you imagine..
"Hmm her creamy skin"

"hmm the feel of the blade in my hand"

"hmmm the sounds of muffled screams"

"Hmm beans and kidneys"

Oh. .chuckles. .I might have to check into this tweet crap.

Jason Janicki said...

I don't really get Tweeter. Apparently, you only get 140 characters, which is nothing. I can't even begin to describe my breakfast in 140 characters. I also can't imagine anyone's life being so exciting that you'd need to follow their movements like that.

My tweeter would be like:
"Scratched nose."
"Went to bathroom."
"Once more."
"Gotta stop getting Big Gulps."
"Guess where I am? Bathroom!"

TX_Val said...

Yeah, There was an article in the paper here in Houston that had a few stories about tweet. (I'll make it short)

This guy and girl were on a date, they were both jacking with their phones during the meal. The guys notices on his tweet feed, that someone has posted, "I don't like the chicken they just served me." You guessed it, he realized it was his date. She hadn't even mentioned it to him, but was tweeting it.

Obviously the rest of the article went on in this fashion, talking about anti-social behavior, and distancing through electronics, and new trends, like people feeling like mini celebs, because they have online "followings".

blah blah.. MOO

TX_Val said...

OH.. you could Tweet your novel..
half a line at a time..