A Brief Guide to Emoticons: Part 2

How to Use Emoticons

Like do-it-yourself dentistry, emoticons are surprisingly easy for even the most inexperienced layperson to do. All that is really required is a computer and an email address, be it a friend’s or one you found while snooping on someone else’s computer.

For example, suppose you wanted to send the following message to an acquaintance:

“You bastard! Who the hell do you think you are? When I’m through with you, it’ll take all three CSI casts to identify the remains!”

Now, while you meant the message as an obvious jest, the recipient might be confused by the contents. To fix it, all you need do is apply an emoticon.

“You bastard! Who the hell do you think you are? When I’m through with you, it’ll take all three CSI casts to identify the remains!” :)

There, the message is now easily understood by most anyone.

Choosing an emoticon is likewise a simple process. All you need do is select the appropriate icon for the feeling you want to convey. Here are a few standard emoticons to get you started:
:) Happy
:( Sad
=O Was just touched in an unexpected place
:E --> :@ Being chased by a vampire
X-{ Has just died while typing
“#*)D$W Typing while drunk
Kkkkkkkkkkk Cat sitting on the keyboard

Now that you know both how and which emoticon to use, here are a few handy tips for successfully employing them:

Only use emoticons in prime numbers (1, 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, etc). Nothing is tackier than using a number that can be evenly divided by a number other than 1 or itself.
:) - Yes
:):) - Yes
:):):)- Yes
:):):):) - NO!
:):):):):)- Yes
Etc.

NOTE: Yes, I know 1 is not actually a prime number. Work with me here.

Emoticons always go at the end of the sentence or paragraph. Putting them at the front is confusing and inefficient, much like putting your pants on before your underwear. That only works if you’re a superhero.

Emoticons can't be bargained with, can't be reasoned with. Emoticons don’t feel pity, or remorse, or fear, and they absolutely will not stop. Ever. Until you are dead.

Oh, wait. That’s Terminators. My mistake.

Cheers,
-Jason