Things That Scare Me: Part 1

When I was very small, I used to be afraid of the hallway to my bedroom. It was dark and potentially full of things. I used to run through it to minimize the danger. I knew, intellectually, that there probably was not a monster in there. It was a hallway, there was not a lot of room for something to hide and lunge at me. On the other hand, though, why take chances?

Eventually I realized there were no monsters in the hallway. This coincided with me discovering the light switch. It was a bittersweet revelation, as I left for college shortly after that, but I digress.

Now as a grownup who has mastered the light switch and has access to both edged and blunt weapons (just in case), I am no longer troubled by monsters in dark places. My anxieties have taken on much darker, more sinister forms.

The Stock Market
I do not know what this is, but it troubles me. Oh, I know what it is: its a big place where people work and somehow numbers are involved. That is the problem. I do not know what the numbers mean. Up seems to be good. Down seems to be bad. Yet, I live in fear that somehow the numbers will go sideways and for reasons I do not understand, I will end up living with my mother and selling my comic book collection to make ends meet.

Note to my Mother: No Mom, I would love to live with you. It would be spiffy. Really. But not right now. I . . . ummm . . . have a date. Yes, with a girl. No, she is not plastic. Sorry, gotta go. Blogging.

Tomorrow: Part II – Things that go bump in the night. Into my car. Raising my insurance.

A Polite Request

I love video games. This is patently obvious, considering that I actually work in the video game industry. My two big loves are Role-Playing Games (RPGs) and First-Person-Shooters (FPSs) though I do appreciate a wide variety of games.

I, therefore, have one simple request for my esteemed brethren in the industry:

ENOUGH WITH THE AMNESIA ALREADY!

I am getting really tired of games starting with:

You wake up in a dark alley, clad in a pink tutu and combat boots, your only possessions a Barbie Doll with one arm missing and a machete. You cannot remember your name, where youre from, who your Prom date was, or why lima beans make your cry, but you know one thing: someone is going to pay!

There are other ways to prevent the player from learning pertinent information. True, these ways are harder and require a bit more work, but I, for one, would appreciate it.

Here is one for free: The hero is a highly trained government assassin who is targeted by his own side. Rather than giving him amnesia, maybe his superiors have been purposefully feeding him misinformation. So when he goes to the super-secret hideout, its just a Chuck-E-Cheese. Now he is uncertain that his information is good and the game can proceed normally. Easy, is it not?

Now, I am not suggesting that games can never use amnesia. Im sure it could be done well. Just do not use it if there is a viable alternative.

Here is a thought: Make a game where everyone has amnesia. The hero, the large-breasted love interest (there has to be one in every game, its a rule), the postman, the dog, your neighbors, everyone. Now that could be fun!

So, please, do it for the children.

Cheer,
-Jason

Apply Directly to the Brain!

Whilst eating breakfast this morning, I happened across yet another commercial that I found interesting, so to speak. This is for a product called Head On. The whole commercial seems to be a woman happily pressing this product to her forehead, while an announcer semi-shouts Head On! Apply Directly to the Forehead!

The thing I found interesting, other that the extreme annoyance of the commercial itself, was that it never described what the product actually does. I would guess its for headache-relief of some sort, but Im not sure.

The question then becomes, what the hell does this product do? Does it remove wrinkles? Does it improve memory? Cure warts? Enable you to recite the Preamble to the Constitution? Does it, perchance, teach you Klingon?

It is a mystery.

However, it does unlock a whole range of potential Blank-On products.

Pit On! Apply Directly to the Armpit!
Sinus On! Shove it Right Up Your Nose!
Ass On! Stick it . . . Well, Yknow!
Communism On! Rub Vigorously On the Proletariat For Generations While Propping Up a Crumbling Economy!
Get It On On! Cues 70s Soundtrack and Disco Lights!

The possibilities are endless.

Cheers,
-Jason

A Tale of Woe: Part 2

At long last, everything was ready. I hit the Launch button and an error message appeared. I tried again and was given the three original options again. I tried #2. A new error. I tried #1. Same error as number 2.

I decided to do some research and learned that DX10 only worked on Vista. I do not have Vista. I will not even think about installing Vista until Service Pack 2 comes out. The question then became, had I hosed MB by installing the DX10 bits? I dunno. Maybe. Possibly. So I uninstalled, intending to reinstall from the disc.

And what happened? Nothing! Yep, I now had a new error on trying to install MB (something not found) from the disk. I tried again and then again.

At this point it had been two-days since I purchased the game. I was beginning to break out in hives. My mouse-hand was beginning to atrophy from disuse. I considered an animal sacrifice, but all I had was a boneless chicken breast in the fridge. I stabbed it anyway. It didnt work. And then I thought: Steam! I could download the game! I could, theoretically, play MB at some point in the near future!

I started the download from Steam. It took roughly ten hours, but eventually, the percentage hit 100 and the Launch button lit. I pressed it and chose option#1, Launch MB.

Error. I tried #2. Same error. Pixel shader version detected: 2.0.

I used my own special swearword. I do not use this word lightly. It could, in the wrong hands, tear a hole in the space-time continuum and utterly undo existence. Yes, I was that irritated.

So what the hell did Pixel shader version detected: 2.0 mean? I ventured onto the web and discovered that MB requires pixel shader 3.0. Now, I have a badass video card. It was top-of-the-line two years ago and while old, it is still quite capable. But not anymore. Its pixel shader only goes up to 2. 3 is right out.

So, now what? I do not wish to buy a new video card, yet I would like to play MB (which at this point, had better ROCK!). If theres an inexpensive shader 3.0 capable card, I may just buy it, play MB, and then put my old card back in. We shall see.

Cheers,
-Jason

A Tale of Woe: Part 1

I recently purchased a new computer game. It is, I am assured by many, a wonderful game, full of promise, hope, and aliens that are in desperate need of immediate decapitation.

I will not tell you the name of this game, as lawyers may object to the things I am going to say. I fear no man, yet I have great respect for subpoenas (and lions). So I will simply refer to this game as Misplaced Biosphere (MB for short).

I purchased MB at the local EB Games and happily returned home, my mouse hand already twitching with anticipation. I opened the box and discovered much to my horror, that there was no disc inside. I returned to EB Games and after a brief conversation, was given a new copy. The clerk had mistakenly handed me the display copy, not the actual game. They were very apologetic and all was right with the world.

I returned home, plopped the disc into the tray and began installation. Now MB uses Steam. I am lukewarm on Steam (pun intended). When it works, it works well. When it does not, pain and suffering abound. Steam asked me for the 25-digit CD key. I entered it. Steam churned and then told me that the CD key had already been used and therefore was invalid. I reentered the CD key, but to no avail. It was back to EB Games, where they replaced the game, no questions asked.

Once more back home, once more to the install screen. Hooray, the CD-Key worked! After fifteen minutes of loading, the MB was ready to launch and I was presented with three options:

Launch MB
Launch the DX 9 version of MB
Launch the DX 10 version of MB

I was vaguely puzzled. Doesnt everything use DirectX? So, without thinking, I pressed option #3, Launch the DX 10 version. 75 minutes of downloading ensued. I went and watched TV.

Tomorrow: A conclusion!

Troopers Are People Too: Episode 6: The Return of the Jedi

A large force of Imperial troops, including AT-STs, are holding position in the thick forest of Endor. Two troopers are standing apart from the rest.

FIRST TROOPER: So why are we here?

SECOND TROOPER: Were supposed to ambush the Rebels after they sneak-attack the Force Field Generator.

FIRST TROOPER: Ah. This is the shield generator thats protecting the new Death Star, right?

SECOND TROOPER: Yep.

FIRST TROOPER: Ah. I dont get it. What if the rebels manage to blow up the Generator before we can ambush them? Isnt this like, majorly risky?

SECOND TROOPER: Hey, I didnt come up with the plan.

FIRST TROOPER: I know, I know. Im just saying. Its not like Im paying to rebuild the Death Star again.

SECOND TROOPER: Yeah. I wonder how much that thing costs, anyway?

FIRST TROOPER: There are more zeroes on that budget than we could even count, my friend.

SECOND TROOPER: Yeah, you got that right.

The troopers wait in silence for a few minutes.

FIRST TROOPER: Yknow, Ive been thinking. These rebels. Whats their beef with the Empire anyway?

SECOND TROOPER: Got me.

FIRST TROOPER: The Empire provides jobs, keeps the galaxy stable. I mean, are we really that bad?

SECOND TROOPER: Whos we? Im just punching the clock here. All I want is a decent retirement on a planet that doesnt suck too much.

FIRST TROOPER: Yeah. Yknow, this place aint too bad. Theres a lot of trees, nice weather.

LIEUTENANT: Troopers, move out!

SECOND TROOPER: Well, here we go.

The Imperial troops quickly surround and capture the Force Field Station. Rebel prisoners are being escorted out, hands on their heads.

FIRST TROOPER: Wow, an op that didnt go horribly wrong.

Even as he says this, a battle-shout erupts from the surrounding bushes. Spears and rocks begin to rain down on the Stormtroopers. The rebels quickly escape, rearms themselves and the fighting grows fierce.

SECOND TROOPER: Looks like you spoke too soon.

The two troopers hold their positions, occasionally firing into the surrounding forest as rocks bounce off their armor.

FIRST TROOPER: What the hell? Were fighting stuffed animals!

SECOND TROOPER: What?

FIRST TROOPER: Theyre frickin teddy bears!

SECOND TROOPER: Okay, this is stupid.

A rock clangs off his helmet.

FIRST TROOPER: My kidsre gonna love this one. Yes, dear, your daddy shot Twinkles the Bear in the face.

SECOND TROOPER: Yknow what? Im sick of this. The pays lousy, the armor itches and doesnt do squat anyway and I cant see out of this helmet. The Emperor can kiss my ass, Im gonna surrender. You with me?

FIRST TROOPER: Why the hell not? We can get jobs in the private sector, maybe I can actually see my family for a change.

Both troopers drop their weapons and raise their hands.

FIRST TROOPER: Hey! Teddy Ruxpin! We surrender!

Three rocks bounce off his armor.

SECOND TROOPER: Stupid bears.

Troopers Are People Too: Episode 5: The Empire Strikes Back

The battle for Hoth continues. Imperial AT-AT and AT-STs move across the barren landscape as Rebel Snowspeeders fly around and in-between them, their shots ricocheting off the Imperial armor. Cut to the inside of an AT-AT. Imperial Stormtroopers are in a cramped compartment, waiting to be sent into battle. At one end, two troopers are standing together.

FIRST TROOPER: Well, this sucks.

SECOND TROOPER: Yeah. I mean, how were we to know that guy turned off the tractor beam? We couldnt even see the control panel.

FIRST TROOPER: And he was a frikin Jedi! He coulda had us dancing the funky Bantha if he wanted to.

SECOND TROOPER: They can do that?

FIRST TROOPER: Oh yeah. They can, like, block lasers blasts and hypnotize you and make you max out your credit cards, all sorts of stuff.

SECOND TROOPER: Whered you hear that?

FIRST TROOPER: The History Channel.

SECOND TROOPER: Really? Every time I turn it on theres some show about the Clone Wars. Its always 10 Greatest Battles of the Clone Wars or Hell in Space or Shoelaces of the Separatists or something.

FIRST TROOPER: I heard the Emperor totally loves those shows, so he executes people when theyre not on.

SECOND TROOPER: Oh, that makes sense. So, have you seen the vid of Vaders fight with that Jedi?

FIRST TROOPER: Didnt know there was one.

SECOND TROOPER: Oh, its awesome. The security cameras got the whole thing. Vader totally disintegrates the guy!

FIRST TROOPER: Whoa!

SECOND TROOPER: Yeah! And people are already modding it. Theres one where the Jedi is a giant bunny and another where they dubbed in new dialogue. Its hysterical.

Theres a sound of a sudden, large explosion. The compartment shakes violently and the troopers almost fall over. One trooper looks out the view port.

FIRST TROOPER: Holy crap! They took out #3!

SECOND TROOPER: Stupid rebellion.