Wednesday, March 16, 2011

An Epiphany

I had an epiphany of sorts the other day. I was opening mail with a letter opener (shaped like a sword) and was so intent on the offer of term life insurance, I accidentally kinda ‘let go.’ The letter opener flew across my living room, ricocheted off the edge of the TV, and then knocked out a ninja who was disguised as a houseplant before falling to the ground.

Luckily, the TV wasn’t damaged.

As I was dragging the ninja out to the recycling bins, I reflected on my good luck. At that point, I tripped on something, possibly a rock, and fell heavily. Luckily, I landed on the ninja who was relatively soft, all things considered.

NOTE: I should have noticed the ninja disguised as a houseplant sooner. I don’t have any houseplants, as I feel it’s cruel to cage a wild creature. Also, they tend to die if you don’t water them at least once a year or so.

It was as I was sitting there on the ninja that I had my epiphany. It was entirely possible that I was a klutz.

The thing is that I don’t really think I’m clumsy. It’s more that when my mind is occupied, my body tends to do things on its own. Oh, it has the best of intentions, but sometimes it lacks . . . finesse. Coupled with what Leigh refers to as my ‘monkey strength,’ my body occasionally, accidentally, manipulates objects in a fashion that was not intended. IE, like the time I unintentionally removed a cabinet door from its hinges.

In my defense, allow me to point out that I gave my right arm a good talking-to and it hasn’t happened since.

So, on the one hand, I tend to break things. On the other, if someone is ever trapped in a kitchen cabinet, the door will be no obstacle.

No, I don’t know why someone would be trapped in a kitchen cabinet. Maybe they were playing hide-and-seek and hid in a cabinet and then developed a terrible cramp and couldn’t get out.

And yes, I suppose I could just open the door.

Okay, I admit that was a bad example. What if a race of evil, alien kitchen cabinets attacked the Earth and the only way they could be defeated was if their doors were ripped off? And they were somehow immune to bullets. And fire. And . . . uh . . . gravity.

So, yeah. Just let me know if you ever need something accidentally destroyed. My rates are quite reasonable.


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