Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Who Am I Kidding?

A female friend of mine came over the other day and happened to look in my refrigerator. Please note that I specifically warned her not to. “Hi,” I said as she walked in the door. “Make yourself at home, but whatever you do, don’t look in the fridge.”

Of course, she did.

I remember it like it was yesterday, as it was in fact, yesterday. I was at my computer, downloading something that would shock my mother if she knew I was looking at it (it was an old clip of the Muppet Show – jeez, get your minds out of the gutter) when I heard a shriek. It wasn’t the kind of high warbling shriek that occurs when one of the ninjas steps on one of my patented ‘Crotch Killer’ booby traps, but the shriek of a woman who has been confronted with a terror beyond the ken of mortal men.

NOTE: You know those old cartoons where the boxing glove pops out on a spring? The ‘Crotch Killer’ is like that, but instead of a boxing glove, there’s a 10-pound dumbbell. And instead of a spring, there’s a pneumatic hammer. I leave the rest to your fertile imaginations.

“Are you all right?” I called out.

“What the hell’s in your fridge!” she said.

“Uhhhhh, stuff.” I didn’t actually know, seeing as I hadn’t opened my fridge in about six months. For those of you with decent memories, Fridgey no longer lives in the fridge. He now lives in the bathtub, where he has plenty of room to play.

It was then that I heard the sound of a flame thrower being lit. By the time I got out there, she had torched everything in there. Then she left and came back with groceries. Which she put in the fridge.

So now I have a clean fridge and it contains actual foodstuffs. The problem is that I’m not quite sure what to do with all the food. Well, obviously I’m supposed to eat it, but I only know how to make two kinds of food: there’s the food that comes out of a box and goes into a bowl and the food that comes out of a can and goes into a bowl. Sometimes, I microwave it after it’s in the bowl, but that’s only when I’m feeling energetic.

She put a bunch of stuff that I didn’t recognize, much less know how to prepare. There’s a carton with a picture of some sort of fruit (maybe a vegetable) on it. There’s little round white things. A sealed plastic tray may contain some sort of meat. And then there’s that drawer filled with green leafy stuff. If I remember correctly, sometimes it’s put on a hamburger.

Mayhap I’ll whip up a grand feast and actually eat more than one food group in a sitting. I seem to recall a ‘Food Pyramid’ from my youth that suggested this was a good idea.

Nah, who am I kidding? I’ll eat some of it and then forget it’s there and not open the fridge for another couple months.

Who knows, maybe Fridgey will get a friend?

Cheers,
-Jason

13 comments:

"gunner" said...

the things she put in thr fridge are called "food", very nourishing, and good for you. there are many kinds of "food" veggies, the green things. meat, which comes fron dead animals and can be very tasty, the round slightly lumpy things are potatoes and go well with meat and veggies. you might want to improve your aquaintance with the young lady. girls are said to have expertise in preparing "food" in ways that appeal to the taste buds and makes "eating food" a very pleasurable experience. as well girls have other pleasant and entertaining qualities that make them desirable company.

Gillsing said...

Would "those little round white things" be eggs? Eggs are awesome. The only thing stopping me from eating eggs every day is that I don't want to turn into a chicken.

Last time I went shopping for groceries I made a bold move. I bought a jar of olives. Now I eat them together with just about anything, and they make it all better.

Unlike that jar of salted cucumber that's been in my fridge for 16 years. They were supposed to go on sandwiches, but apparently there's a huge taste difference between salted cucumber and pickled cucumber. Mistaaake!

And according to the word verification, that's a "facte".

Jason Janicki said...

Girls have the power to create nourishing food? Tell me more about these mystical creatures, gunner!

I've never heard of salted cucumber. It sounds . . . salty. I don't care for green olives, so I bet I wouldn't like those either.

"gunner" said...

about girls and their mystic powers... they go to places called "stores" where merchants assemble quantities of "food" and display it for sale. if you give a girl money she will select from the best of the foods and bring it home and "cook" a "meal" of tasty "food". in return for this she will expect you to provide her with shelter and clothing and a share of your money for her own needs. frequent gifts of shiny things will also help convince her that you are a suitable person, deserving of her magical talents, which go far beyond cooking, and can make life very pleasant.

Captain Hesperus said...

@gunner
Amen!

@Jason
Alternatively, if the "girl doing cooking and other magic" thing doesn't work out, you could create a Fridgette and begin a Fridgey breeding program. AND THEN TAKE OVER THE WORLD!!!!
/runs off cackling.....

Slamlander said...

I know that you are partially joking but not entirely.

Your mother never taught you how to cook?

More importantly, you do not enjoy food?

Those who enjoy food, eventually learn how to cook out of self-defense. Most young women can't boil water successfully these days.

My mother taught her sons how to cook so that we would never become completely dependent on women.

Lessee: Can of pinto beans, some garlic, cayenne (to taste), dash of salsa picante, and a bit of tomato sauce. Chop in two hotdogs and you have a nice ad hoc chili. You eat it with a tortilla and it serves one.

Cooking can be simple.

Slamlander said...

I know that you are partially joking but not entirely.

Your mother never taught you how to cook?

More importantly, you do not enjoy food?

Those who enjoy food, eventually learn how to cook out of self-defense. Most young women can't boil water successfully these days.

My mother taught her sons how to cook so that we would never become completely dependent on women.

Lessee: Can of pinto beans, some garlic, cayenne (to taste), dash of salsa picante, and a bit of tomato sauce. Chop in two hotdogs and you have a nice ad hoc chili. You eat it with a tortilla and it serves one.

Cooking can be simple.

Jason Janicki said...

Interesting, gunner. I shall investigate these mystical creatures more . . .

Dare I summon forth another creature from the depths of my refridgerator? Dare I toy with the mystical harmonies that hold the world in place? You bet I dare. One Fridgette coming up :)

Yeah, I'm 'mostly' joking, Slamlander. I can cook and occasionally cook on the weekends, but during the week I just don't have time to do anything other than throw something in the microwave. I suppose you can chalk that up to laziness, but when I get home from work, I just want something to eat in as little time as possible :)

"gunner" said...

...or alternatively, boil a couple of hot dogs, open a small can of sauerkraut and snag a container of potatoe salad on your way by the deli counter, open and lightly toast a couple of hot dog rolls assemble and eat, with a beverage of choice, beer or soda pop. not quite instant but a pleasing and nourishing light meal. kosher dill pickles optional.

Citarra said...

You could always make something to freeze, then thaw it on weekdays when you're hungry. Alternatively, make something that will last in the fridge for a week as you consume it piece by delicious piece.

Jason Janicki said...

All good ideas. Thanks guys! :)

Ed said...

FYI: The 'fruits and vegetables' food group is named oddly.

You see, they're *all* vegetables, it's just that some of them are also fruits. Like tomatoes and cucumbers. Oh, wait, they're just considered vegetables. Well, there's also fruits which are considered fruits. I don't know if there are any fruits which are not fruits off-hand. I could also mention beans, seeds, and nuts, but that can be even more confusing...

Jason Janicki said...

I hereby suggest that we just call them all food. There will be Meat Food and Earth Food. Everything will come from one of those groups.

I believe this will simply things enormously.