Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Tech Support: Part 2

NOTE: In a twist of fate, my DSL went out again just as I was about to post this, though it came back on after about a minute. I thought it rather ironic. It’s like rain on your wedding day. Or good advice, you just can’t SLAPS SELF. Sorry, just a bit of an Alanis Morissette moment. It’s over now.

Phone rings

“Hello, and thank you for calling DataDemon technical support. This is Linda, how can I help you?”

NOTE: My DSL provider is not called DataDemon. I really, really wish it were though.

“Hi, Linda. My DSL is out and I’d like to get it back.”

“I’m sorry to hear that, sir. I’ll see what I can do. First, I’ll need your full name and date of birth.”

“Jason Janicki, 8/2/1709”

“Very good. Now, can you tell me your mother’s maiden name?”

“Uhhh, sure. It’s Theimpaler.”

“Excellent. Now then, is your DSL modem plugged in?”


“Have you fed it recently?”

“No I- wait what?”

“Have you fed it?”

“Uhhhhhh. I was unaware they needed food.”

“Oh, yes. Most anything will do, but they prefer a freshly slaughtered chicken.”
“Would a bucket of KFC do?”

“Absolutely. They prefer Original Recipe. Just put the modem directly in the bucket.”


“Now then, how many lights are lit on your modem?”

“Good. Are you wearing pants?”


“Are you sure?”

“Pretty much, yeah.”

“Then go ahead and take them off.”

“How will this help?”

“Pants can store an electrostatic charge that may interfere with the signal.”

“Are you suggesting that I not wear pants when surfing the net?”


“Right. So you’re professional recommendation is that I don’t wear pants and to ‘feed’ my modem in a bucket of Original Recipe KFC?”


“And this will fix my DSL problem?”

“That depends. Do you have a web camera?”


“Well, do what I said and turn on your web cam. If we find it funny enough, we’ll hook you back up.”

Now, I’m not a proud man, but I have my limits. This was not one of them. As you can see, my DSL is now back up, so yeah.

And no, I won’t turn the camera on again.



Captain Hesperus said...

I am so happy that I invested a huge chunk of the kingdom's funds into DataDemon Inc.
In a short period of time, those webcam pictures will be delivered to me and I shall have even more coersion material with which to control you.

I'm such a bad kitty....

Jerron said...

Seriously is that your birthday? Because I think I stole it, that's my birthday, too. I'd accuse you of stealing it from me, but you're much older. I was only born in the 1860's.

And yes, those of us in tech support love to mess with peons. Until they figure out the no-hang-up rule...

Anonymous said...

1) In the days of dial-up, the weekend cleaning lady unplugged the server to vacuum. Best part is that it took several days for them to find the problem. Ah, the days of tiny dial-up start-ups.

2) I do tech support for a living, and I can assure you the pants are not the problem but your choice in chicken is. All the Trans fats are clogging your DSL modems arteries and causing your blockage. This is why you should only feed fresh bloody chicken, suitable for any demon sacrifice.

Jason Janicki said...

Dammit, Hesperus! That's it, no more of the nice litter for you!

That is actually my birthday, though the year is off. I'm really much, much older, being a distant ancestor of the ring-tailed lemur that was gifted with immortality and the ability to type by the aliens who wiped out the dinosaurs.

Though, honestly, the ability to type hasn't come in handy until just now, relatively speaking.

Oh, yeah, dial-up. I've got DSL now and it often feels soooo slow.

Is that what it is? I guess I better order a gross of live chickens next time . . . :)

Medryn said...


"Just put the modem directly in the bucket" - priceless 8)

Loving your comic, and loving your posts... keep up the great work!

Also, noticed you went to Spokane Comic Con - do you live there? If so Comcast tends to be quicker and more reliable than most DSL in the area.

Jason Janicki said...

Thanks, Medryn!

I actually live in Redmond. I've been thinking about switching carriers, but I don't know if I want to lose my home email. I've had it for almost 10 years getting everyone on my list to switch to a new email would be a pain.

I might try business class and see if my service improves. Shrug.