Who Am I Kidding?

A female friend of mine came over the other day and happened to look in my refrigerator. Please note that I specifically warned her not to. “Hi,” I said as she walked in the door. “Make yourself at home, but whatever you do, don’t look in the fridge.”

Of course, she did.

I remember it like it was yesterday, as it was in fact, yesterday. I was at my computer, downloading something that would shock my mother if she knew I was looking at it (it was an old clip of the Muppet Show – jeez, get your minds out of the gutter) when I heard a shriek. It wasn’t the kind of high warbling shriek that occurs when one of the ninjas steps on one of my patented ‘Crotch Killer’ booby traps, but the shriek of a woman who has been confronted with a terror beyond the ken of mortal men.

NOTE: You know those old cartoons where the boxing glove pops out on a spring? The ‘Crotch Killer’ is like that, but instead of a boxing glove, there’s a 10-pound dumbbell. And instead of a spring, there’s a pneumatic hammer. I leave the rest to your fertile imaginations.

“Are you all right?” I called out.

“What the hell’s in your fridge!” she said.

“Uhhhhh, stuff.” I didn’t actually know, seeing as I hadn’t opened my fridge in about six months. For those of you with decent memories, Fridgey no longer lives in the fridge. He now lives in the bathtub, where he has plenty of room to play.

It was then that I heard the sound of a flame thrower being lit. By the time I got out there, she had torched everything in there. Then she left and came back with groceries. Which she put in the fridge.

So now I have a clean fridge and it contains actual foodstuffs. The problem is that I’m not quite sure what to do with all the food. Well, obviously I’m supposed to eat it, but I only know how to make two kinds of food: there’s the food that comes out of a box and goes into a bowl and the food that comes out of a can and goes into a bowl. Sometimes, I microwave it after it’s in the bowl, but that’s only when I’m feeling energetic.

She put a bunch of stuff that I didn’t recognize, much less know how to prepare. There’s a carton with a picture of some sort of fruit (maybe a vegetable) on it. There’s little round white things. A sealed plastic tray may contain some sort of meat. And then there’s that drawer filled with green leafy stuff. If I remember correctly, sometimes it’s put on a hamburger.

Mayhap I’ll whip up a grand feast and actually eat more than one food group in a sitting. I seem to recall a ‘Food Pyramid’ from my youth that suggested this was a good idea.

Nah, who am I kidding? I’ll eat some of it and then forget it’s there and not open the fridge for another couple months.

Who knows, maybe Fridgey will get a friend?

Cheers,
-Jason