Tech Support: Part 2

NOTE: In a twist of fate, my DSL went out again just as I was about to post this, though it came back on after about a minute. I thought it rather ironic. It’s like rain on your wedding day. Or good advice, you just can’t SLAPS SELF. Sorry, just a bit of an Alanis Morissette moment. It’s over now.

Phone rings

“Hello, and thank you for calling DataDemon technical support. This is Linda, how can I help you?”

NOTE: My DSL provider is not called DataDemon. I really, really wish it were though.

“Hi, Linda. My DSL is out and I’d like to get it back.”

“I’m sorry to hear that, sir. I’ll see what I can do. First, I’ll need your full name and date of birth.”

“Jason Janicki, 8/2/1709”

“Very good. Now, can you tell me your mother’s maiden name?”

“Uhhh, sure. It’s Theimpaler.”

“Excellent. Now then, is your DSL modem plugged in?”

“Yep.”

“Have you fed it recently?”

“No I- wait what?”

“Have you fed it?”

“Uhhhhhh. I was unaware they needed food.”

“Oh, yes. Most anything will do, but they prefer a freshly slaughtered chicken.”
“Would a bucket of KFC do?”

“Absolutely. They prefer Original Recipe. Just put the modem directly in the bucket.”

“Right.”

“Now then, how many lights are lit on your modem?”

“Good. Are you wearing pants?”

“Yes.”

“Are you sure?”

“Pretty much, yeah.”

“Then go ahead and take them off.”

“How will this help?”

“Pants can store an electrostatic charge that may interfere with the signal.”

“Are you suggesting that I not wear pants when surfing the net?”

“Absolutely.”

“Right. So you’re professional recommendation is that I don’t wear pants and to ‘feed’ my modem in a bucket of Original Recipe KFC?”

“Correct.”

“And this will fix my DSL problem?”

“That depends. Do you have a web camera?”

“Yes.”

“Well, do what I said and turn on your web cam. If we find it funny enough, we’ll hook you back up.”

Now, I’m not a proud man, but I have my limits. This was not one of them. As you can see, my DSL is now back up, so yeah.

And no, I won’t turn the camera on again.

Cheers,
-Jason

Tech Support: Part 1

My DSL went down the other day. It’s always weird when that happens, as I suddenly realize that almost my entire life revolves around my computer and the ability to get onto the web. I mean, I can still use my computer, but what’s the point? If I can’t look up ‘nasal warts’ on Wikipedia at a moment’s notice, what good is it?

NOTE: In a cruel twist of irony, there is no article on ‘nasal warts.’ Wikipedia did suggest ‘naval wars’ which seemed to be an acceptable substitute.

With my DSL down, my only options were to:

1. Call Tech Support
2. Go outside and discover the joy and wonder of the world. Maybe meet a nice girl. Date. Perhaps get married and start a family. Raise our children in a loving household and pass on my knowledge of all things nerdy.
3. Watch TV

Needless to say, I chose ‘Call Tech Support.’

Now, I’m sure many of you don’t like tech support. I’m sure tech support people don’t like tech support. In fact, there’s probably a layer of hell where sinners do nothing but take support calls. Actually, there’s probably a group of damned who’s punishment is to call tech support, which another group’s punishment is to provide said tech support. It’s like a Moebius strip of anguish.

However, I was a little put out by the tech support I received. It just seemed ‘off.’ The young lady I talked to, let’s call her ‘Linda,’ asked some odd questions. I felt like I had to answer, as I really, really wanted my DSL back, though I’m not sure how my blood type (O-), occupation (village idiot), or social security number (you wish) really mattered. Here’s the transcript:

Tomorrow: Part 2