Thursday, April 8, 2010

Everybody Wins

Whilst at work the other day, one of my fellow designers mentioned a show he just saw. Apparently, they get a team of experts to decide who would win in a fight between historical warriors. Things like Spartan vs. Pirate or Caveman vs. Incontinent Doughboy, you know, the kind of arguments that men have had for centuries and game designers have on an almost daily basis.

NOTE: Just for the record, a Pink Ponysaurus would totally kick the ass of a Ptiny Pterodactyl. So there, Bob!

The thing is, they’re comparing historical figures and frankly, that’s just not satisfying. Sure, they can argue the merits of Knights vs. Numismatists, but that’s hardly relevant to our modern society.

What we really need, is a show that pits the people we love to hate against each other. I call it ‘Everybody Wins.’

In Everybody Wins, we would get a chance to see real life irritants duke it out for fame and glory. Think about it, who would you like to see in a ring, fighting?

Off the top of my head:
Litigation Lawyers
Internet Lawyers
Lawyers in General
Computer Virus Creators
Bad Parkers (as in, people who park on the lines, rather than betwixt them)

The viewing audience could nominate particular individuals, who would then be contacted and talked into appearing on the show. They would just have to fight three, three-minute rounds with their opponent using standard boxing rules. The winner gets some cash or something. The loser gets to be on TV. The viewing audience gets to see two people they hate hit each other. Everybody Wins.

Just mix in some announcers and it would be gold.

“And tonight, Jim, we have a fine matchup. Steve, the Virus Maker versus Al the Litigation Attorney.”

“This is going to be great, Bob. Both men are in the prime of their professional careers. Steve created the amazing ‘UR DUM’ virus while Al has won 23 consecutive frivolous lawsuits.”

“And there’s the bell, Jim! Steve is already out of his corner, swinging wildly!”

“Al is huddled in the corner! He’s blocking! Oh, he’s swinging too!”

“Both men are going at it! Nothing is connecting! It’s amazing! I have never seen a more inept display of the sweet science in my entire career!”

“Uh oh, the blows are coming slower now! Looks like they’re both spent after a mere 8 seconds of combat!”

“And now Al looks like he’s trying to get out of the ring! We can’t allow that, which is why we’re dropping the steel cage!”

“Well, that surprised both of them, Bob! They’re trying to pull the cage up now. They just want to get out!”

“We can’t have that! Release the wild boar!”

Admit it, you would totally watch that.



Toil3T said...

Yes, I would watch. And the cage should be electrified, just enough to really hurt.

Kris said...

To be fair, I'm pretty sure any match that had a wild boar option would get some interest no matter who was actually fighting.

Todays word: Astrana, a town in Spain and a word with just enough lilt for your female fantasy character or possible elven locale.

Jason Janicki said...

Oooh, good idea, Toil3t!

True, Kris. Everyone loves wild boar.

And yeah, 'Astrana' does have a certain lilt to it. I may use that in the future. Thanks!

Ed said...

I feel the need to post something in support of lawyers. Not, of course, the litigious corporate offenders, nor, for that matter, the smarmy corporate defenders. Not the criminal defense attorneys who aren't concerned their client's actually guilty, nor the prosecutors who conceal evidence because it shows they clearly have the wrong defendant. In fact, I don't want to defend any of the lawyers who do not, themselves, actually follow the law in both spirit and deed.

I'm defending the few lawyers out there who actually try to improve things. Most of the ones I've met are either indigent legal aid or regulatory compliance. For example, my wife, who's job is basically to monitor what scientists whose studies involve human subjects (mostly doctors), and tell them when they're doing it wrong (and what they should be doing instead.) A lot of this relates to how they tell the subjects what's involved in the study (for example, if the ICF isn't in a language the subject knows, they're probably doing it wrong.)

These fine lawyers do exist; there's just not many of them. And one of them is telling me I need to go to bed now. G'night all.

Jason Janicki said...

You are absolutely correct, Ed. There are some excellent, moral, upstanding lawyers out there. They guard our civil liberties, protect us from legal predation, and basically make the world a better place.

To these lawyers, I say 'thank you.'

However, as you point out, there are a lot of bottom-dwelling scum suckers out there that give the entire law profession a bad name.

I tell you what. Next time I feel the need to mock lawyers, I will include a note pointing out that I'm only mocking the bad ones. In fact, I'm working on a humorous superhero comic that might someday see the light of day. I will make a heroic, super-powered lawyer just to show that they're not all bad.

Feel free to suggest a name :)

Ed said...


Oh, sorry. Already taken, by a super-hero lawyer.

No worries. :)

Ed said...

Thinking a bit more... for a *humourous* lawyer super-hero...

"The Reasonable Man" (well, maybe - I've mostly thought of The Reasonable Man as either a super-hero expert witness or a super-hero juror.)