Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Simon Says: Part 1

There was a discussion about professional sports going on the other day at work. Since I’m smack dab in the middle of a cube farm, I pretty much hear everything that goes on around me.

NOTE: Yes, George, I can hear you picking your nose.

NOTE: NOTE: I was going to use ‘Steve,’ but there is an actual Steve that sits by me and I didn’t want to accidently imply that he picks his nose. I mean, I don’t honestly know. He might. However, he is a man of taste and intelligence, so I would imagine that if he did, he would do so privately.

NOTE: NOTE: NOTE: And his wife makes AMAZING scones.

Anyway, apparently there was a baseball game where the home team won by a touchdown in the last frame. Since the visiting team failed to pick up the spare, they had to ‘plink the mushroom’ in order to get the ‘funny bone’ out of the patient in time to shout ‘Uno!’

Yes, I have no idea what I’m talking about (though ‘plinking the mushroom’ sounds like fun). Anyway, the guys were talking about this baseball game and using all sorts of strange and intimidating jargon. I was half-listening, as I’m nosy that way, and realized that professional sports would be more approachable if the rules were simpler.

For example: Baseball, on the surface, is pretty simple. I get that a guy tries to hit the ball and run around the bases. If he makes it all the way, his team scores a point (or run or something). Once you take it beyond that, it gets rather complicated. The 1st baseman has to catch the ball and touch the bag to get the runner out. The second baseman has to tag the runner. The third baseman has to tackle the runner and wrest the Sacred Chalice of Northumbria from him, lest the Dragon of Upper-Cheddar appear and let fly with his macaroni breath.

Or something.

It then occurred to me that what we need are professional sports where the rules can be stated in one sentence.

Such as, oh, Simon Says.


TX_Val said...

I can see it now. people of all shapes and sizes out there, stretching, rubbing their hands together, eating donuts, preparing for their game. Wearing spandex, logos plaster on every square inch.
I suppose the real money makers would be sumo looking guys, as they would have more advertising space.

Unfortunately they would be the downfall of the sport. I would invest heavily in stock for eye-bleach companies though.

I'm sure regulations would have to be enforced on advertising space, and eventually your sport would become laden with controversy, as you'd have to have a 'fair and balanced' expectation as to what simon could say is acceptable. (The sumo guys can't be expected to touch their toe to their nose)
Not to mention the rights activist that would want to know why it has to be simon, and not simone or a more gender neutral name like Pat or Chris.

Though I think you could start with that bit chick, from the weakest link. She'd be good. :)

TX_Val said...

Blah, BRIT chick.. i even missed it on the "preview"

Jason Janicki said...

Yeah. Inevitably, there would be a steroid controversy, teams throwing games, players involved in graft, and rampant betting. So, it'd eventually be like every other professional sport ;)