Quick question: Where are the girl orcs?
I’ve read The Lord of the Rings and the Silmarillian dozens of times. I’ve seen the moves three or four times all the way through. I have killed, literally, hundreds of thousands of orcs while playing video games and DnD. I have even played an orc on a few occasions.
Yet, I rarely hear mention of the female of the species. Tolkien, if I remember correctly, said that orcs were tortured elves and that the orcs bred more when evil was strong. I cannot, however, recall a single female orc ever being mentioned.
Obviously, there have to be some around somewhere. They would have to be pretty tough and/or vicious as well, to survive both childbirth and frankly, other orcs.
This sort of explains a lot about orc culture in so much that they don’t really have one. Think about it: what do guys do when there aren’t any women around? They drink beer and watch football. If they’re without women for an extended period of time, it gets even worse. First the hygiene goes, then the trash doesn’t get taken out, the toilet doesn’t get scrubbed, and pretty soon, guys are building fires in their living rooms, painting themselves with mud, carrying sharp weapons, and following the Dark Lord.
Tomorrow: Part 2
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Tough Jobs
The other day I noticed that one of the ‘educational’ channels was launching a new show called ‘Hard Hats.’ It is yet another reality show that follows the lives of a bunch of steel workers in (I think) LA.
This new show joins Deadliest Catch, Axe-Men, Ice-Road Truckers, and probably some show I’m forgetting in celebrating the lives of guys with dangerous and often horrible jobs.
Now, before you leave a comment complaining that these jobs are not ‘horrible’ and that I, being a limp-wristed computer jockey, know nothing about them, let me point out that my dad was a contractor and I grew up on job sites. I even cut my finger off in a table saw once, so there.
NOTE: When I say ‘off’ I mean ‘off,’ as in ‘dangling by a strip of skin.’ The surgeons put it back on, though.
So, let me just say that I fully empathize with these guys. I do know what it’s like to be very high in the air, utilizing power tools, and hoping a sudden shift in the wind doesn’t pitch you off the side. That sort of experience is what led me to pursue a life of relative safety with computers. Well, that and my dad’s favorite game: ‘Yes, the Power’s Off’ (it never was).
However, I can’t shake the feeling that the people that make these shows are going to run out of ideas sooner or later. After all, there are only so many dangerous, physical jobs out there to be filmed. Pretty soon, there’re going to be shows like ‘Crossing Guard: Life Between the Lines’ or ‘Fry Cook: Life and Death in a Fast Food Kitchen.’
So, let me suggest the most horrible job I can think of for a new reality show:
Public High-School Janitor
This might not sound too bad to you, but my high school bathrooms were some of the most horrible, fetid, nasty places I have ever seen. I literally never used a toilet for the four years I was there. If I really had to go, I ran across the street to the Jack in the Box.
We used to literally dare people to go use the bathrooms. Freshman would throw themselves in garbage cans rather than face the possibility of being tossed into a stall. The bathrooms were a no-man’s land, where only the insane or desperate would venture.
Forget driving across a frozen lake. Forget welding steel 20 stories up. Try cleaning a 1920’s toilet that has been regularly used by a couple hundred teenage boys with the hygiene of Uruk-Hai.
That, my friends, takes a real man.
Cheers,
-Jason
This new show joins Deadliest Catch, Axe-Men, Ice-Road Truckers, and probably some show I’m forgetting in celebrating the lives of guys with dangerous and often horrible jobs.
Now, before you leave a comment complaining that these jobs are not ‘horrible’ and that I, being a limp-wristed computer jockey, know nothing about them, let me point out that my dad was a contractor and I grew up on job sites. I even cut my finger off in a table saw once, so there.
NOTE: When I say ‘off’ I mean ‘off,’ as in ‘dangling by a strip of skin.’ The surgeons put it back on, though.
So, let me just say that I fully empathize with these guys. I do know what it’s like to be very high in the air, utilizing power tools, and hoping a sudden shift in the wind doesn’t pitch you off the side. That sort of experience is what led me to pursue a life of relative safety with computers. Well, that and my dad’s favorite game: ‘Yes, the Power’s Off’ (it never was).
However, I can’t shake the feeling that the people that make these shows are going to run out of ideas sooner or later. After all, there are only so many dangerous, physical jobs out there to be filmed. Pretty soon, there’re going to be shows like ‘Crossing Guard: Life Between the Lines’ or ‘Fry Cook: Life and Death in a Fast Food Kitchen.’
So, let me suggest the most horrible job I can think of for a new reality show:
Public High-School Janitor
This might not sound too bad to you, but my high school bathrooms were some of the most horrible, fetid, nasty places I have ever seen. I literally never used a toilet for the four years I was there. If I really had to go, I ran across the street to the Jack in the Box.
We used to literally dare people to go use the bathrooms. Freshman would throw themselves in garbage cans rather than face the possibility of being tossed into a stall. The bathrooms were a no-man’s land, where only the insane or desperate would venture.
Forget driving across a frozen lake. Forget welding steel 20 stories up. Try cleaning a 1920’s toilet that has been regularly used by a couple hundred teenage boys with the hygiene of Uruk-Hai.
That, my friends, takes a real man.
Cheers,
-Jason
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
TRON 2
For those of you who loved the original TRON, a new film is in the works! I don't know if it will be a remake (or 'reimagining') or an actual sequel, but it does have Jeff Bridges.
Check out the Light Cycle action!!
Cheers,
-Jason
Check out the Light Cycle action!!
Cheers,
-Jason
Sunday, July 27, 2008
Disappointingly Good
On Friday night, I sat down to watch In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale with Leigh and his wife.
Our previous exposure to Uwe Boll movies had been House of the Dead, which was so bad it was hysterically funny. I have also seen BloodRayne, which though not as funny as HotD, it did have its moments.
In the Name of the King was disappointedly good, in that it wasn't nearly as bad as I'd hoped. It was just a bad fantasy movie that used a lot of shots straight out of LotR.
So, I guess, Uwe Boll is getting better. Good for him, though I kind of miss the old Uwe, with ravers fighting zombies with kung-fu, machine guns, and bullet time. There was a certain purity in the hilarious weirdness, where you can't believe that he just did what he did, but were delighted he did it.
Did that make sense? Hard to tell.
Anyhow, there will be the regular update on Tuesday and blogs the rest of the week, as usual.
Cheers,
-Jason
Our previous exposure to Uwe Boll movies had been House of the Dead, which was so bad it was hysterically funny. I have also seen BloodRayne, which though not as funny as HotD, it did have its moments.
In the Name of the King was disappointedly good, in that it wasn't nearly as bad as I'd hoped. It was just a bad fantasy movie that used a lot of shots straight out of LotR.
So, I guess, Uwe Boll is getting better. Good for him, though I kind of miss the old Uwe, with ravers fighting zombies with kung-fu, machine guns, and bullet time. There was a certain purity in the hilarious weirdness, where you can't believe that he just did what he did, but were delighted he did it.
Did that make sense? Hard to tell.
Anyhow, there will be the regular update on Tuesday and blogs the rest of the week, as usual.
Cheers,
-Jason
Thursday, July 24, 2008
Reality Politics: Part 2
Here’s my idea. We find a log cabin somewhere in the middle of nowhere. We mike and camera everything in a ten-mile radius around it, including the outdoor toilet.
The cabin will be simple, with no electricity or running water, but it will be stocked with a week’s worth of food and the tools and supplies necessary to survive and provide food.
We take the two candidates and dump them there for three months.
Then, as a nation, we watch them.
The first week, maybe, they’ll be able to keep ‘on message’ so to speak, but once the food starts to run out and they have to start fending for themselves, we’ll get to see the REAL candidates.
We’ll see who whines and pouts, who shirks work or doesn’t do their fair share. We’ll see who isn’t afraid to kill spiders or go out and get dinner. We’ll see which one of them can really lead and which one can’t take it.
At the end of the three months, they get to come out and one week later, we hold an open forum so they can answer questions about what they did and why. Then, we vote.
Like my dad used to say: ‘You don’t know a man ‘till you’ve seen him get in a bar fight in- Dammit! Fire stays outside the house!’
Dad didn’t get to finish saying very often.
Cheers,
-Jason
The cabin will be simple, with no electricity or running water, but it will be stocked with a week’s worth of food and the tools and supplies necessary to survive and provide food.
We take the two candidates and dump them there for three months.
Then, as a nation, we watch them.
The first week, maybe, they’ll be able to keep ‘on message’ so to speak, but once the food starts to run out and they have to start fending for themselves, we’ll get to see the REAL candidates.
We’ll see who whines and pouts, who shirks work or doesn’t do their fair share. We’ll see who isn’t afraid to kill spiders or go out and get dinner. We’ll see which one of them can really lead and which one can’t take it.
At the end of the three months, they get to come out and one week later, we hold an open forum so they can answer questions about what they did and why. Then, we vote.
Like my dad used to say: ‘You don’t know a man ‘till you’ve seen him get in a bar fight in- Dammit! Fire stays outside the house!’
Dad didn’t get to finish saying very often.
Cheers,
-Jason
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
Reality Politics: Part 1
If you have been paying attention over the last, oh say year, you may have come to the realization that an election is coming up. Actually, there’s been so much coverage that babies are coming out of the womb with firm opinions about the next presidential election. This is obviously not true, because if it were, politicians would be aggressively advertising to the unborn.
“Do you know where your diapers will be made? Are you concerned about the rising costs of rattles, pacifiers, and those annoying popper things you push around? Do you wonder what will the world be like when you finally arrive?”
“If so, vote for me, Bob SoAndSo, the only candidate who truly understands the needs of the not-yet born.”
“This inter-uterine message has been approved by me, Bob SoAndSo.”
NOTE: This would imply that television signals can be beamed at fetuses, which would probably be bad in several ways.
Anyhow, the basic problem with the upcoming election and indeed, any election, is that politicians lie. Well, maybe not all of them, but even the ones who don’t have had every word sanitized for maximum impact and minimum chance of offending anybody. You’re not so much voting for a politician, rather you’re voting for a finely honed product that the campaign managers think you’ll like.
NOTE: Yes, I am slightly cynical.
Therefore, you can’t get a good feel for the person. You can’t judge who’s truly got strength of character, who would make a good leader, who would cry when Bambi’s mother got shot, or who screams like a girl.
What we really need is a way to view these men and women off-camera, so to speak, where we can learn what they’re really about.
Ladies and gentleman, I have the answer.
Reality Politics
Tomorrow: The Idea
“Do you know where your diapers will be made? Are you concerned about the rising costs of rattles, pacifiers, and those annoying popper things you push around? Do you wonder what will the world be like when you finally arrive?”
“If so, vote for me, Bob SoAndSo, the only candidate who truly understands the needs of the not-yet born.”
“This inter-uterine message has been approved by me, Bob SoAndSo.”
NOTE: This would imply that television signals can be beamed at fetuses, which would probably be bad in several ways.
Anyhow, the basic problem with the upcoming election and indeed, any election, is that politicians lie. Well, maybe not all of them, but even the ones who don’t have had every word sanitized for maximum impact and minimum chance of offending anybody. You’re not so much voting for a politician, rather you’re voting for a finely honed product that the campaign managers think you’ll like.
NOTE: Yes, I am slightly cynical.
Therefore, you can’t get a good feel for the person. You can’t judge who’s truly got strength of character, who would make a good leader, who would cry when Bambi’s mother got shot, or who screams like a girl.
What we really need is a way to view these men and women off-camera, so to speak, where we can learn what they’re really about.
Ladies and gentleman, I have the answer.
Reality Politics
Tomorrow: The Idea
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
Food to Avoid
The other day, whilst on my weekly errands (grocery shop, get gas, fight ninjas, eschew vegetables, etc), I noticed a large sign on the outside wall of the nearby gas station. It was one of those combo gas stations/convenience stores/mortuaries that are omnipresent nowadays.
Anyhow, the sign read ‘2 Corn Dogs for 99 cents!’ This gave me pause. Corn dogs, if you didn’t know, are basically the lowest rung of the ‘meat-in-a-tube’ family of foods. These are the hot dogs that weren’t considered palatable enough to sold individually, so someone shoved a stick in them and covered them in breading.
NOTE: I originally typed ‘shoved a stick in their bums,’ but realized that hot dogs do not have bums. This is probably for the best, as it would make eating them kinda weird.
So basically, the sign read ‘The cheapest possible meat-like product at a discount!’
I thought long and hard about this and after great debate decided that I, a person who once ate a piece of salami that fell on the carpet, would not purchase and consume these corn dogs. Frankly (heh), I’m not seventeen anymore. I can afford to buy food that is identifiable as having come from an animal.
Like my dad used to say: ‘If a deals too good to be true, then it- hey, no chainsaws in the house!’
Dad was easily distracted.
Cheers,
-Jason
Anyhow, the sign read ‘2 Corn Dogs for 99 cents!’ This gave me pause. Corn dogs, if you didn’t know, are basically the lowest rung of the ‘meat-in-a-tube’ family of foods. These are the hot dogs that weren’t considered palatable enough to sold individually, so someone shoved a stick in them and covered them in breading.
NOTE: I originally typed ‘shoved a stick in their bums,’ but realized that hot dogs do not have bums. This is probably for the best, as it would make eating them kinda weird.
So basically, the sign read ‘The cheapest possible meat-like product at a discount!’
I thought long and hard about this and after great debate decided that I, a person who once ate a piece of salami that fell on the carpet, would not purchase and consume these corn dogs. Frankly (heh), I’m not seventeen anymore. I can afford to buy food that is identifiable as having come from an animal.
Like my dad used to say: ‘If a deals too good to be true, then it- hey, no chainsaws in the house!’
Dad was easily distracted.
Cheers,
-Jason
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