Surly, Acne-Ridden Twits

Before I stat this, don't forget about the Halloween image caption contest. I talked about it in yesterdays post, so you can read about it there or on the forums.

Here it is, my last Halloween blog, detailing one of my all-time favorite monsters.

Consider this: You are hanging out, going about your life, when you suddenly began to experience strange, often horrifying changes. You begin to eat more, your personality starts to change, and your clothes no longer fit. You want to stay out later and later and find yourself struggling to get out of bed in the morning. You find yourself looking at others, especially members of the opposite sex, differently. That girl or guy you would never have talked to before is suddenly strangely attractive, juicy, even.

Perhaps most alarming, hair begins to grow where there had been none before.

Ultimately, you wake up naked one morning with a horrible taste in your mouth, and no idea where you or your clothes might be.

It is then that the horrible, inconceivable truth hits you.

You have become a teenager.

No, really. You hit puberty and have become a teenager. What did you think I was talking about? Lycanthropy? Werewolves?

Please, teenagers are far more frightening than werewolves. For one thing, you can shoot a werewolf. You just have to put up with teenagers. I would far prefer dealing with a werewolf over a teen any day of the week.

For example:
Teenagers are always moody and temperamental. Werewolves only change once a month.

You can lock a werewolf in a cage when it starts to change. You cant really lock a kid up until he turns 20.

Werewolves act like wolves and are therefore predictable. There is no algorithm on earth that can predict how a teen will act.

Werewolves are vicious, bloodthirsty animals that wont think twice about ripping you to pieces. Teens have cell phones and wont think twice about running up your bill.

You rarely have to deal with a surly werewolf when ordering at McDonalds.

The good news is that teenagers will eventually grow up and become actual people. Unless, of course, werewolves and teenagers merge into wereteens. These would be adults who, a couple nights a week, revert to being surly, acne-ridden twits who just want to hang out at the mall and play video games.

Some things are just too horrible to contemplate.

Cheers,
-Jason

Caption Contest

In honor of our special Halloween picture, we have decided to hold a Caption Contest. In the Halloween picture, Iri is saying something to Lily. Is it a threat? A compliment? A vow to get Leigh for drawing her in that outfit? You tell us. Simply log onto the forum, find the Halloween Caption Contest thread and post your favorite captions. Post as many as you like, theres no limit.

Later in the week, Leigh and I will decide which one we like best and the winner will get a special desktop of the Halloween picture.

For those not already on the forum, the button is on the upper right hand side of the main Wayfarers Moon page (www.wayfarersmoon.com).

Happy Halloween,
-Jason

300 Spartans on a Plane

Truly hysterical.

If 300 and Snake on a Plane had an illegitimate child:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LVzLqGrLDA0

Warning: slightly gory.

Cheers,
-Jason

Another Waste of Time

Heres another little game with which to wile away the weekend.

http://www.gsn.com/minigames/minigame.php?id=29

Cheers,
-Jason

Unsexy Dead People

So, having talked about vampires yesterday, I thought today I would talk about mummies. I am not referring to Imhotep from the recent Mummy and the Mummy Returns (he was more of a sorcerer, really), but the classic 1932, Boris Karloff mummy of yore.

I gotta say, mummies never did much for me. Even as a kid, I keyed in pretty quickly on the fact that I could easily outrun one. Sure, the mummy is basically unstoppable and will pursue you for the rest of your life, but really, once the mummy shows up, all you have to do is move cross country and then you have another year or so before it shows up again. Sure, this would play havoc with your work and social life, but think of the mileage you would get out of it at parties.

Insufferable Jerk: I just took my company public, made a couple hundred mil, and bought a yacht, an island, and George Washingtons wooden teeth. How about you?

You: Well, its hard to concentrate on work when youre being relentlessly pursued by an unstoppable 3000-year old Egyptian pharaoh.

Supermodel: That is sooo cool.

Frankly, mummies are much less scary than your typical zombie. A zombie could have at least been someone you knew, whereas a mummy is just a dead guy.

However, this brings me to the single greatest idea I have ever had. A mummy is relentless. It never stops. It is the undead equivalent of the Energizer Bunny sans the drum.

Now here is the idea: Build a sturdy cage. Put a treadmill in it. Hook said treadmill up to your house, so that by using the treadmill, your house gets power. Lure the mummy into the cage and then lock it in.

Voila, you now have a permanent power source. As the mummy pursues you, it generates power. It never stops pursuing, so you basically have endless power. Once it gets going, you can just build a wall around it. You never even have to look at it.

Sometimes I amaze even myself.

Cheers,
-Jason

Sexy Dead People

I have realized it will soon be Halloween. I know this because there are humungous candy displays in the grocery stores and a glut of really bad horror movies on cable. Yes, I am that clueless about dates. Whenever I talk to my mother, she always asks if I called someone on their birthday, which was last week. I always reply that I did not, as I did not know. I then ask her to remind me before the actual birthday, but so far, no dice.

However, as it is Halloween, I have decided to do a few blogs about monsters and some of the various Halloween traditions. First off, vampires.

Now at some point in the last century, vampires became sexy. Now some of you may not realize this, but historically, vampires were not attractive, brooding loners with a penchant for black clothes who whined about their lot in life (unlife).

Vampires used to actually be scary. People were afraid of them.

No, really. I am not kidding.

Vampires were EVIL. Bad evil, not cool evil. They would actually kill you. And they would do it in a messy, and above all, painful way. And they were ugly. Not in a disheveled, hip, too-cool-to-care-about-my-appearance way, but in a not-human, holy &#@! what-is-that kind of way.

Vampires did not agonize over moral decisions. They did not feel pity or remorse. They did not hang out in coffee shops or Hot Topic. People were takeout food, so to speak.

Now, I am not saying these new, coiffed vampires are a bad thing (pun intended), but I think the pendulum has swung too far to one side. Sure, I loved Underworld and Blade and Buffy, but there should be some love for the misshapen, flesh ripping, soul-eating, malodorous, non-recycling, village-slaughtering monstrosities as well.

But maybe that is just me.

Cheers,
-Jason

Please Remove the Lamprey

I was at a party the other night. Eventually, I found myself on the sofa, chatting with a rather inebriated fellow who was eating very large handfuls of trail mix from a bowl on the coffee table.

It occurred to me, as this nameless individual (he probably had a name, I just never learned it) wolfed down said trail mix that I might have to give him the Heimlich Maneuver. In a worst case scenario, I might even have to give him an emergency tracheotomy.

As we chatted, three things occurred to me:
1) I might need a really sharp knife
2) My warrior needs a butt-load of Fel-Iron
3) How would I know when I needed to perform the tracheotomy?

I mean, if this guy is choking to death, how will I know when to actually perform said tracheotomy? And how long is it going to take to farm all that Fel Iron?

I then had a brilliant idea: emergency-specific flash cards.

This would be a set of cards with specific emergency messages pre-printed upon them, to be used in case you cannot adequately convey what is needed. For example: I am choking to death. Please perform an emergency tracheotomy.

Other, useful cards might include:
Please remove the lamprey from my buttocks
The knife in my head is not fake
Please collect my limb(s) for potential reattachment
I am on fire
I am currently falling to my death. Please provide a parachute, trampoline or other gravity-defying device
Please distract the lion eating my leg. If possible, recover my leg.

Granted, to be truly prepared would require a large assortment of cards, making it difficult to find the correct one. Therefore, the first card in the pack would read: I am having an emergency moment. Please be patient while I locate the correct card to adequately convey my situation.

Cheers,
-Jason