L.U.S.H.: Part 3

“Doesn’t anyone else think that’s rather stupid?” asked Moon Man. “I mean, how come they get to have the spotlight and we . . . well, you, get stuck cleaning gutters or whatever.”

The Stevedore raised his hand. “We don’t actually clean gutters.”

“Or do windows,” added the Hyena. “We never do windows.”

“You never put the seat down either,” said FTL.
The door to the conference room was suddenly flung open. “Hey!” exclaimed the young man in green from the reception desk. “There’s a twenty-car pileup on I-6! It’s all over the news!”

“Cool!” said Moon Man. “Well, no, not cool,” he said, after a second. “Let’s get out there!”

“We can’t,” said Shatter Gal. “That’s strictly League business.”

“Really? And what will happen if we show up anyway?”

The assembled heroes looked at one another.

“Uuuuh,” said the young man in green. “Won’t they beat us up or something?”

“On camera?” asked Moon Man. “They’re going to show up and jump a bunch of heroes who are already helping with the media watching?”

“Well,” said the Hyena. “They could bust us down to H.U.S.H.”

“What’s H.U.S.H.?”

“Horribly Unattractive Super Heroes,” FTL answered. “Hyena used to be there, but then he stopped piddling on the carpet.”

“Well, hell, call them up and we can do this thing together!”

“Even Lardass and Phlegm Bomb?” asked Miss Mist?

“Who- nevermind. Sure. We get everyone out there and if the LSH shows up, we let Hyena drool on them and Mist can lecture them on the evils of beef or something!”

There was a moment of silence, as the assembled heroes looked at one another. Then, with a clatter of chairs, they rose.

“Someone gimme a cell!” shouted Hyena. “I’ll call H.U.S.H.”

“Shotgun!” Stevedore yelled.

In but a moment, the room was empty, save for a few water bottles and a soggy handkerchief. Shatter Gal suddenly burst back into the room and grabbed her purse, digging furiously through it.

“Found ‘em!” she called out, holding her keys up. “To the minivan!”

Cheers,
-Jason

L.U.S.H.: Part 2

“It’s simple,” said Shatter Gal. “We’re either just not good looking enough or have some particular trait that’s not quite ‘media-worthy.’ So we handle all the jobs that are too small or tedious for the League of Super Heroes.”

“We had a great kitten rescue last week!” FTL burst out. “It was touch-and-go there for a second, but then Stevedore just ripped the tree out of the ground!”

The Stevedore and the Hyena exchanged high-fives, and then the Hyena wiped away the seemingly ever-present drool.

“But you’re not hideous or anything?” said Moon Man. “At worst you’re average. Well, the Hyena’s kinda gross. Sorry,” he added.

“No prob,” said the fur-covered hero, with a wave of his handkerchief.

“That’s very sweet of you,” said Shatter Gal. “But we’re just not cut out for prime-time, so to speak.”

“Why? I mean, what’s wrong with FTL?”

“Cankles,” said the heroine, holding up one leg.

“Stevedore?”

“My powers are fueled by alcohol.” Moon Man stared at him blankly. “I have to get drunk first.”

“Fine. Miss Mist?”

“Militant vegan,” said the young woman. “Meat is murder, if you didn’t know.”

“Okay,” said Moon Man. “But what about you, Shatter Gal? You’re really good-looking!”

Shatter Gal blushed. “I’m . . . ummmm . . . not big enough.”

“I don’t understand.”

“A-cup,” said Miss Mist. “You gotta be at least a D to get into the L.S.H.”

“You can get away with a ‘C,’ but you have to wear a really skimpy outfit,” added FTL.

Later: Part 3!

L.U.S.H.: Part 1

Bob ‘Moon Man’ Baker glanced down at the address at the bottom of the letter. He was definitely in the right place, but the modest office complex somehow didn’t look like the headquarters of the most powerful superhero collective on the planet.

He went into #201 and found a modest office front and a young man in green tights sitting at the desk. This seemed more like it.

“Hey there!” said the young man, glancing up from his game of FreeCell.

“Hi. I’m Bob- er ‘Moon Man.’ I got a letter about joining.” He held up the sheet of paper, showing the embossed logo.

“Great, we’ve been expecting you.” The receptionist pressed a button under the counter and the door popped open. “Go right on in, first door on the left.”

“Thanks.”

“No problem.”

Bob went through the door and turned left. The hallway was decorated with a variety of newspaper clippings with titles like ‘Hero Saves Cat’ and ‘Tire Changed at Super Speed!’ He found the first door and after taking a deep breath, entered.

It was a small meeting room, with half-a-dozen people in various superhero outfits sitting around the table. The conversation stopped when he entered and everyone turned to look at him.

“Uh . . . hi,” Bob said. “I’m ‘Moon Man.’”

“Hi, Moon Man,” replied the woman at the head of the table, as she rose. She was slim, but rather pretty, with a big ‘SG’ on the front of her black unitard. “I’m Shatter Gal, president of the North-East chapter of L.U.S.H.” She shook his hand with surprising strength.

“Nice to meet you.”

“Likewise.” She gestured around the table. “I’ll let everyone else introduce themselves.”

“Miss Mist,” said a teenage girl in blue.

“The Hyena,” said the man next to her, who looked just like his name suggested.

“The Stevedore,” said a burly man in a plaid shirt.

“FTL,” said the next woman, who was dressed in gold and red.

“Super Soaker,” burbled the last man, who seemed to continuously perspiring.

“Please, take a seat,” said Shatter Gal, gesturing to an open chair.

“Thanks.” Moon Man sat down. “Ummm, I don’t know how to say this, but I’m a little confused. I thought I was joining the League of Super Heroes.”

There were a couple chuckles from around the table.

“We all were, dude,” said the Hyena, who then wiped at the drool that dripped from his muzzle.

“Let me explain,” said Shatter Gal. “We’re L.U.S.H. The League of Unattractive Super Heroes.”

Moon Man stared at her for a moment. “Okay, now I’m really confused.”

Tomorrow: Part II. Same L.U.S.H. Time! Same L.U.S.H. Channel!