Tuesday, May 8, 2012

In Need of Kids


So, I need some kids really quick. Two or three would do, preferably around 10 to 14. I don’t have a lot of money, but if anyone wants to part with theirs, I could write some really funny sentences in exchange.

In all honesty, I would go about this the traditional way, but women tend not to come near me and I don’t have time for the kids to grow up. I need them fully functional, relatively speaking, pretty much now.

At this point, you may be wondering ‘why?’ (or possibly ‘I could use some funny sentences,’) so I’ll tell you: I need free and/or cheap labor.

You see, I’ve been cooking a lot lately. If you’re a regular reader, you’ve heard the tales of fires, hockey pucks, and gasoline, but in all honesty, I’m getting better. I actually made chicken the other day and was able to eat it without gagging or having to go to the emergency room. Here’s the thing though: the cooking I do is relatively simple. I heat stuff in pans and stir occasionally, but it still generates an amazing mess.

I mean, I have to clean the pan, clean the stove, wipe the blood off the wall, squeegee the mongoose, clean the floor, get the clothes off the fan, and finally, clean the floor again. It’s a pain in the butt. However, as I was wringing out the food-flipper-thing this evening, I had a small epiphany. When I was a lad, we kids had to clear the table and clean everything after meals. Granted, we hated it and would often try to escape, but both my parents were excellent shots and after we lost Fred, we decided it was best to just do the dishes.

And hence, I need some kids. They can do the dishes whilst I recline on the sofa and take the occasional shot at escapees. Rest assured, aside from the forced labor, they’ll be well cared for. I have some of those ‘constant food’ pet dish thingies and a couple of largish cardboard boxes I can line with newspaper and old towels.

Heck, I’d even give them names, something my parents didn’t do ‘till we’d shanked our first chupacabra.

NOTE: That’s why you don’t see many chupacabras in the Monterey Bay area these days. 

Anyway, if you’ve got a few kids you aren’t using, funny sentences can be yours.

Cheers,
-Jason

5 comments:

liljenborg said...

Are you freaking crazy? 10-14 year olds washing dishes? My automatic dishwasher just broke down. It took an act of congress (and all the lobbying fees), the 82nd airborn (donations to various veterans groups), and threats of nuclear annihilation of their laptops(paying that Russian hacker to get me into NORAD to play that "global thermonuclear war" sim) to get my kids to load or empty the dishwasher. Now that they the dishes need to be hand scrubbed I don't think the Death Star could force them into washing a dish (and you know the hourly rates Palpatine charges to rent the Death Star). Just bite the bullet and offer minimum wage for a dishwasher. You'll get 8,000 U of W graduates with their student loan payments looming begging you to give them work

Rahel Sewell said...

I congratulate on your new found cooking abilities!! =D
So how funny are your funny sentences? Funny for you or funny for a 'normal' person? 'Cause we all know about those guys...
And will you take whiners? 'Cause my sister complains ALL the time about dishes. Or maybe you have enough scary melee weapons to silence her and get her scrubbing? Heck, I might not even need those funny sentences!
I'll just drop her off at your house and she cam clean for you for a few months. When she comes back, she should have stopped whining and carrying on for fear that we'll send her back to you...
Mwehehehehhh...
So, what's your address?

Jason Janicki said...

You see, Iiljenborg, you have to start them early and/or wound one of them severely enough to make the others think twice. It worked for my parents. And as long as we're here, what does Palpatine charge to rent the Death Star? My neighbors had another fight last night and I'd like them vaporized from orbit :)

Well, I think my sentences are funny for lots of people, Rahel :) Though I do occasionally find myself chortling at them, which is kind of odd and funny, since I wrote them. I guess I'm not immune to my own sense of humor?

And if your sister can vacuum, you've got a deal :)

Rahel Sewell said...

Well, I suppose that she is physically able to vacuum. She just never does it. >_<
I'll ask her.

Jason Janicki said...

That sounds like my sister. When we were still at home, she refused to vacuum because it was too heeeeaaaavy (insert whine) so I had to vacuum. On the plus side, she then had to do clean the bathrooms :)