Tuesday, May 29, 2012

A Hypothetical Situation


Hypothetical question: if a being from another dimension (mayhap an eldritch evil) was rampaging through your apartment and eating all your trail mix, what would be the best way to get rid of it?

Swords, spears, maces and other forms of physical attack seem to have no effect and holy water just makes it giggle. I would try and kick it in the crotch, but I’m not sure where that is located on it or even if it has one.

For some reason, it seems loathe to enter my cyber lair (spare room), so I think I’m safe at the moment. It could be, I dunno, allergic to the internet or something. However, there’s no food in here, the only window is blocked by approximately 1,718 short boxes of comics, and I kinda need to pee.

I just heard a weird noise. Did it eat a ninja? Did it touch my TV? It better not touch my TV! I will so totally kick its butt if it touches my TV! Granted, I’ll need to figure out how to do that first, but an ass-kicking will occur if it messes with my Samsung.

Maybe I should throw some printer toner at it. I also have issue #1 of Devil Dinosaur. I was kind of saving that for a special occasion (zombie apocalypse), but this might be dire enough.

NOTE: For those of you not in the know, Devil Dinosaur was created in 1978 by the legendary Jack Kirby and published by Marvel. It’s rather bad.

At any rate, if you have any information on how to kill and/or wound this thing, let me know. I can’t give you a proper description, as it’s so awful, no mortal words can possibly describe it. Sort of like my cooking.

Also, Leigh is feeling under the weather, possibly due to eating an enormous amount of junk food whilst playing D&D this Labor Day weekend, so we will be skipping Tuesday and resuming our regular updates on Thursday.

Cheers,
-Jason

9 comments:

Insectoid said...

Did you try a flamethrower? :P

Barring that... if you can manage to get out of your cyber lair, try luring the thing into The Pit. (You know the one I mean.)

nichomach said...

Based on the symptoms, it's not a being from another dimension. It's a cat. And you're screwed.

Aegis said...

I would agree with nichomach except for one thing: cats aren't allergic to the internet, they OWN it.

Sounds to me like you got a nasty case of mother-in-law-itis. Please get out of this alive. I like updates.

Anonymous said...

Maybe you should feed it your cooking... ;-p

~brynhilde

Captain Hesperus said...

Ah, it arrived. I'm so glad that the summons found the right address. The last time, it consumed an eighty-seven year old lady and came back rather sheepishly, complaining of a sore gut. I tried to explain that the Zimmer frame was not edible, but it didn't understand.

I know how to get rid of it.

But I'm not telling. >:D

Jason Janicki said...

I don't have a flamethrower in the cyberlair. An oversight I'll have to take care of.

Well, it's gone now, so I don't know if it was a cat or a mother-in-law. It could have been a cat-in-law, which may be worse :)

Drat! I knew my bad cooking would be useful for something!

Thanks, Cap! If you happen to get a package marked 'bomb,' please be assured that it isn't and open it immediately :)

Emily McKeighen said...

um, Memorial day weekend. Labor Day's in September. :)

Buzzcook said...

Defeat evil with greater evil, because defeating it with good takes three books the death of hordes of minor characters and a confusing back story.

Quickly sneak into the TV room. Tune it to the Nancy Grace show. Make sure you don't make eye contact with Nancy.
Once the eldritch evil realizes it has slipped into a universe that contains Nancy, it will flee for its life.

Oh and "New Coke".

Jason Janicki said...

Yes, Emily, that other long-weekend-thing :)

Oh, I don't know if I could do that to an Eldritch Evil, Buzzcook. I mean, it's simply here to destroy and annihilate. Nancy Grace is just MEAN!!!