Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Con Training: Part 1

Con season is almost upon us and I’ve begun vigorous training in order to prepare myself both physically and mentally.

You see, cons are not just a large gathering of like-minded people interested in the buying, selling, and conversing about and in relation to paraphernalia related to their hobby or pastime.

Well, actually, yes. They are exactly that, but metaphorically speaking, they’re a battle. The sellers are drawn up formation, their books polished and gleaming in the fluorescent light, their pens held at the ready, their cash boxes unlocked and ready to receive the booty earned from the rampaging hordes who are about to descend upon them and . . . okay, forget I said that.

Ummm, what I really meant was that cons are like circuses. There are bright lights, strange and unusual animals, noxious odors, over-priced food, and people dressed in bizarre, often frightening costumes. The sellers are like caged beasts, roaming their ten foot tables, ready to pounce on any . . . . and crap.

So, let’s just agree that my analogies suck and move on.

Anyway, you can’t just ‘do’ a con. This could result in broken pencils and/or limbs. You have to work up to them. As a seller, you have to haul boxes of goods, get your cash ready, buy donuts, and do all sorts of things. Have you ever been to a con and seen a seemingly empty table, only to discover a disheveled man in a stained Green Lantern shirt lying in a fetal position on the floor behind it?

This is a man who did not properly prepare.

NOTE: Yes, I’ve actually seen this. I also once saw a Technically Not Topless Woman. Seriously. Ask me about it.

Now, the physical preparation is quite easy. You simply need to eat as badly as possible for about a month. You see, con food is one of the most destructive things in the known universe. Do you remember how the Aliens bled acid? That’s because they ate con food. In essence: your stomach is Helm’s Deep and the chili-dog you just had is an Uruk-Hai army, intent on your destruction. So, you have to toughen your innards up to handle the pseudo-food your about to eat for the next couple of days.

This doesn’t sound too bad, I’m sure. However, the mental training is even more difficult. You have to prepare yourself to talk not only with the happy, well-adjusted comic-book fans, but also the legally insane. And yes, these are two different groups.

Next Week: Part 2


Anonymous said...

Okay, please, tell us about the Technically Not Topless Woman.

And provide pictures.


QuiteLight said...

Not con-related, comic-related..

Why does she have a target of lighter material in the centre of her new armour? Particularly inept opponents? Does her armourer hate her? Faux-cleavage effect?

rfaramir said...

So women really DO complain about having too much armor. Leading obviously to the fantasy skimpy 'armor' outfits which leave her more 'mobility'. Love it!

Jason Janicki said...

At some point, BubbaB :) And I don't have any pictures :(

Actually, QuiteLight, that's just a patch of different colored leather. It's basically brigandine with a decorative piece.

So, Lily's actually wearing way more armor than she was, it's just fancier :)