Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Fact: Most Walls Are Solid

I walked into a wall the other day.

Now, I could lie and say it was a ninja wall or fitted with spikes or something. I suppose I could even get away with saying it was invisible. I mean, no one seems to bat an eye when I ramble on about fighting mimes and ninjas, so running into an invisible wall would just seem par for the course.

Sadly, however, it was none of the above. It was a perfectly ordinary, flat, off-white wall that I managed to more or less punch myself in the face with. And, just in case you hadn’t noticed, walls are pretty damn solid and generally non-ambulatory.

Note: Now, I hesitate to say that all walls are solid, as I have not made an exhaustive study of them, but I can reasonably say that in my experience, most are. This particular wall was most definitely solid.

At this point, you might be wondering how I managed to do this. You may also be wondering why you’re reading a blog about a guy who not only walks into walls, but admits it publically.

No, I don’t know why either.

Imagine if you will, an apartment with a TV, a giant bean bag, and five swords, a sallet, and a mace hung on the walls or sitting on shelves. This is not because I’m a huge nerd. It’s in case there’s a sudden zombie apocalypse. Well, okay, it’s because I’m a huge nerd. Now imagine Olivia Wilde is there wearing her outfit from TRON. Now imagine she has a twin sister. Wait, as long as we’re doing this: Three Olivia Wilds, 2-dozen bottles of real-sugar Coke, a big bowl of popcorn, and the entirety of Farscape on Blu-Ray.

Yes. Colossal nerd.

Here’s the real story. I was walking out of the bathroom after having just washed my glasses. There’s a short hallway, with my living room to the right and my cyber lair to the left. Yes, I have a cyber lair (enormous nerd). Anyway, as I was raising my glasses to put them on, I turned left about half-a-second too early. My right arm missed the wall and I continued forward, ramming the left side of my face directly into the wall.

Bad words were said. In fact, I may have made up several new ones. After some hopping around and continued swearing, I went back into the bathroom to inspect the damage. I had managed to hit myself just off to the side of my left eye. It was tender, but there was no swelling. The wall was fine.

Well, there you have it. I didn’t give myself a black eye, though in hindsight, I could have made up a killer story about muggers or ninjas. My face is still a little sore, but fear not, my good looks are still intact.

So, to sum up: I’m dumb enough to not only walk into a wall, but to tell people about it. It is always possible that I’ll do it again at a later date, which is why I duct-taped a pillow to the wall. It never hurts to be prepared.

Or to be a ginormous nerd.



Captain Hesperus said...

Honey Badgers, not ninjas. If you want proper 'I must have done it by accident'-type injuries, use Honey Badgers. I believe I did send some around to your place with the explicit instruction to dismantle your hallway wall and move the whole thing twelve inches to the left.
And see? It worked perfectly!

Rahel Sewell said...

Oh my god..... This sounds like MY house! I even have a giant bean-bag chair-thing!! O__O
Unfortunately, it lacks in Olivia Wilde.... I must fix that. O.O (Although I'd much rather have Rynzler in my living room. =j )

PS!! Don' worry. I've done much stupider stuff. Granted, this was during a growth-spurt, but STILL.

Jason Janicki said...

I'll remember the Honey Badgers, Captain :)

Oh, I've done stupider stuff as well, Rahell. I just haven't blogged about it yet :)

Kris said...

My brother ran into a wall once when we played Marco Polo in the house. He was fine, but the drywall caved in at about stomach level. I called him Steel Stomach for a while afterwards. You can still see the off color square where it's been patched.

Jason Janicki said...

How'd he do it with his stomach? A hand or head I can easily see, but a stomach?

Huh :)