A Memo: Part 2

To: Lord Aragorn, Heir of Isildur
From: Bill, Head of Groundskeeping
Re: Coronation

My Lord,

Let me first congratulate you on your great victory over Sauron and his fell forces. It was truly a magnificent deed that will shine in the songs of Men until the end of our days.

However, the continued requests to clean up the city and its surrounding environs in time for your coronation are patently impossible. My men have cremated almost a thousand bodies and have worked to exhaustion, but they simply cannot work any faster. If we are to remove all the bodies in time for your coronation, we will need the combined armies of Rohan and Gondor to help.

Your humble servant,
Bill, Head of Groundskeeping

To: Lord Aragorn, Heir of Isildur
From: Bill, Head of Groundskeeping
Re: Coronation

My Lord,

While your constant messages are flattering, they are not helping us progress any faster. If your lordship wishes his guests to not notice the piles of corpses I suggest you buy a lot of tents, erect them over the bodies and then spread enough potpourri to fill Mount Doom ‘cause we’re not going to be done.

Your exhausted, increasingly frustrated servant,
Bill, Head of Groundskeeping

To: Lord Aragorn, Heir of Isildur
From: Bill, Head of Groundskeeping
Re: Coronation

My Lord,

Let me tell you a story. It involves trying to move a month-old Oliphant corpse. First, you have to gut it and let all the innards out, being careful not to be crushed by the hundreds of tons of offal or passing out from the smell. Then you have to build scaffolding inside the beast and starting hacking and sawing away. I cannot begin to describe the smell, save to say that I would rather be an orc bathroom attendant for 100 years than spend five minutes inside a dead Oliphant. Not to mention the fact that you get to be literally covered in bits of Oliphant all day and can’t quite get rid of the smell, even after several hours of bathing.

In short: bite me.

Bill, Head of Groundskeeping

To: Whom it may concern,
From: Bill, Head of Groundskeeping
Re: Up Yours

We quit.

We’re tired, we stink, and we’re getting nothing but grief.

If you want everything cleaned up for your coronation, do it yourself. Maybe you should’ve had that undead army tidy up for you before you let them go.

Btb, if you feel the need to arrest us and charge us with treason or something, please do. We could use a break and even jail is better than standing hip deep in rotting offal.

Bill, Ex-Head of Groundskeeping

Cheers,
-Jason

Convention Listings.

So we've had some questions about why we're not yet listed as exhibitors at Emerald Con. This is because we were fortunate enough to be high on the waiting list for a table and only got one this week. So the ECCC staff hasn’t had a chance to update the list with any of our info yet.

We’ll be there though. :)

- Leigh

A Memo: Part 1

So, I happened to watch the Return of the King the other day and at the end of the battle in front of Minas Tirith, it occured to me that somebody is going to have to clean all that up. That thought inspired the following:

To: Lord Denethor, Steward of Gondor
From: Bill, Head of Groundskeeping
Re: Bodies

My Lord,

I have recently received orders that the corpses from the recent battle in front of and within Minas Tirith be cleaned up post-haste. I would like to remind your lordship that we number but fifty, while the dead number greater than ten-thousand, not counting the Oliphants.

If my Lord wishes the corpses to be removed in a timely manner, I must ask for more men, preferably in the number of five-thousand.

Your humble servant,
Bill, Head of Groundskeeping

To: Whomever’s in Charge
From: Bill, Head of Groundskeeping
Re: Bodies

My Lord,

I have once again received an urgent missive regarding the state of the corpses decomposing in and in front of our fair city. I must humbly remind your Lordship that we can remove no more than 200 men or orc corpses (or some forty horse carcasses) a day. I cannot begin to imagine how long it will take to remove a single Oliphant!

While the ten additional men you saw fit to assign to us have helped, it will take at least a thousand to make any sort of progress.

May I remind your lordship of the numbers that we must deal with:
6,000+ Orcs
4,000+ Men
1,000+ Horses
200+ Random Trolls, Nazgul Mounts, & Fell Creatures We Cannot Identify
10 Oliphants
Several Hundreds of miscellaneous Squirrels, Cats, Dogs, Wombats, Lawyers, & Street Performers

Your humble servant,
Bill, Head of Groundskeeping

Tomorrow: Part 2 - 'I suggest you buy a lot of potpourri'

Buy issue 1 of Wayfarer's Moon now!

Wayfarer’s Moon Issue 1 is now available through IndyPlanet!


Weeeeeeeeeeee! We have received our first batch of printed comics from IndyPlanet, and we will be bringing them with us to our convention appearances. We’ll be at Emerald Con in Seattle on May 10th and 11th, as well as SuperCon in San Jose CA on May 17th and 18th. See our News page for more details on our convention schedule. If you can’t go to any of the conventions on our schedule you can still buy a copy of issue 1 through clicking on the links above or by visiting IndyPlanet and searching for Wayfarer's Moon.

- Leigh

Emerald Con

Good News!

We have just been confirmed for Emerald Con!

http://www.emeraldcitycomicon.com/exhibitors.php

It's May 10th & 11th in Seattle. Both Leigh and I will be there and we will be selling and signing the FIRST PRINTED ISSUE of Wayfarer's Moon.

Be the first kid on the block to have one!

Cheers,
-Jason

Allergic to Death: Part 2

Tone Deaf
This is a tricky weakness to exploit, as you need to get the creature singing and then laugh at it until it starts to cry. You then, of course, kill it while it’s busy sobbing. Or, you could promise not to laugh, get it to sing again, and then laugh some more. NOTE: my sister deserves credit for this weakness and causing me to never sing in front of anyone EVER.

Coulrophobia
Or, as it is more commonly known, the fear of clowns. This is a hard-one to identify, as having an absence of clown paraphernalia is pretty normal. The only real way to exploit this is to have the party dress up like clowns when adventuring, on the off-chance a random orc will scream ‘Aaaagh! Clowns!’ and run away (granted, you will need to know orcish to figure out why it’s fleeing). As Lon Chaney, Sr. supposedly said "There is nothing funny about a clown in the moonlight."

Fear of Commitment
This particular weakness is generally only found in male monsters, but is fortunately fairly common. Pre-battle, just have the female party members announce that they would like to talk about ‘our future,’ moving in, and meeting said monster’s parents (assuming they haven’t been eaten). With any luck, half of the marauding orc war band will suddenly remember they left the campfire burning and quickly evacuate the area. There is, of course, the danger that there will be the rare goblin that wants a relationship and is perfectly willing to move in and get a cat (and not just for dinner). You should try to let him down easy.

And there it is. GMs, please free to use these in your own campaigns. Once your players catch on, they’ll be running around dressed like clowns, and carrying milkshakes, dictionaries, and solid gold anvils in a vain attempt to actually find a critter that is susceptible. You, obviously, will have a good laugh and beat the snot out of them with creatures vulnerable to pink roses.

Cheers,
-Jason

Homemade Star Wars

This is terribly, terribly cool.

A couple guys did a homemade Star Wars movie and it rocks.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2ha9pzITLRk

Enjoy!

Cheers,
-Jason