Unemployment: Part 2

So the question is: what would a bunch of violent, unwashed psychopaths like orcs be good at? Assuming it doesn’t involve exterminating all that is good in the world.

Here then, are my top 5 jobs for unemployed orcs.

#5 Meter Maids
Yes, Meter Maids (or Parking Enforcement Officers, if you prefer). They would drive around in little carts, writing out tickets to unlawfully parked cars. The writing the ticket part could be troublesome, but they would get absolutely ZERO guff from the public.

#4 Driving Tester
If you can drive while a 200-pound orc snarls and glowers at you from the passenger seat, nothing you see on the road will ever faze you.

#3 School Crossing Guard
Honestly, there would never be a problem with people stopping at crosswalks if orcs were the crossing guards. Mainly because they would have spears and would be allowed to kill your car if they thought it necessary. Frankly, you would stop half a block away, just to be certain.

#2 Professional Hockey Players
They wear armor and helmets and charge around with sticks trying to hit a small puck while doing violent things to one another. It’s perfect. The orcs have every needed skill save for ice-skating and I’m willing to bet Sauron had a crack team of snow orcs out there somewhere. Granted, he didn’t have a crack team of ‘Defend Mount Doom’ guys, but there you go.


#1 Motivational Speaker
Do you have a group that needs motivating? Are they umenthused and lackluster? Well, just have an orc come in and scare the crap out of them!

Argth: Me Argth! Me kill tweny Men! Me kill you if you no (checks paper) sell more insurance! You do what paper say! You do it many times! Or Argth come back with club! You no want Argth to come back with club!

You! You look happy! You want Argth come back? You want Argth to eat Man flesh? You no do what paper say, Argth come back! Argth bring whole tribe! We have a luau!

And there you go! Tune in tomorrow for the results of the voting for the Nerd Naming!

Cheers,
-Jason

Unemployment: Part 1

I happened to be thinking about the Lord of the Rings the other day. This happens to me sometimes, for no readily apparent reason. I’ll be walking along and suddenly think ‘If Mordor had a fast food restaurant, what would they serve?”

NOTE: It would be called Sauron’s and it would serve Hobbit Burgers, Men-on-a-Stick, Orc Nuggets and Diet Dr. Pepper. Happy Meals would come with very small trebuchets.

I blame my parents.

Anyhow, it occurred to me that with the defeat of Sauron and the Beginning of the Age of Men, what would all the orcs do? There has to be a couple hundred thousand of them left and they can’t all get jobs at the DMV.

Obviously, they would need to interview first:

Interviewer: So now . . . Argth . . . is it?

Argth: Yah.

Interviewer: Great. Now, I just have to ask. What are you wearing around your neck?

Argth: Man skull.

Interviewer: Super. So then, what are your qualifications?

Argth: Me inna army long time. Me kill (slowly counts on fingers) 8 Men at white city. Me killed dem gud.

Interviewer: Ah. Is there anything else?

Argth: Me gots . . . er . . . people skill.

Interviewer: Excellent. And why do you want to work as a Kindergarten teacher?

Argth: Me likes kids. Dey tasty.

Tomorrow: Part 2