It’s Not Easy Being Dead: Part 2

The good guys actually manage to do it. They procure the +3 Backscratcher of Endless Reach and give it to the old crone (who promptly uses it, I might add) and they get their ‘Speak with Dead.’

However, in all honesty, what is a conversation with a dead guy really going to accomplish? Most of the time your response is going to be ‘AAAAAAAAAAAAGH!,’ especially if the poor bloke doesn’t realize he’s dead.

So, in keeping with the theme, here’s the Ten Most Common Responses from Speaking with the Dead (or TMCRSD).

1. AAAAAAAAAAGH! (we covered this)

2. I’m what?

3. Que? (They always presume the dead guy speaks their language).

4. I was the Tyrant of Lur, Destroyer of Marlune. My own mother called me Thuril the Bastard. Why would I tell you anything?

5. You defiled my grave to ask me what?

6. If I knew where the Searing Sandals of Sarkis were, why didn’t I use them to prevent my own death?

7. Are you eating right? And that armor! Have you cleaned it lately? Oh, and just look at that hair! You go and get a hair-cut before you talk to me again! And what about kids? Are you even seeing anyone? No? Well, with that hair and armor, I can see why! (In case you had to talk with your long-deceased mother).

8. You do realize you’re the 11th set of adventurers to ask me that?

9. No, no, no, you want Elgorath the Bloody! I’m Elgorath the Blogger!

10.You want the Wand of Arkterian? Why? All it does is cure heartburn. No, it doesn’t shoot lightning. Yes, I am sure. I know, I used it multiple times. Arkterian used to make these sausages . . . No, he wasn’t the Chief of the Ungorians, he was the Chef of the Ungorians. What, don’t look at me, you’re the ones who called me up, remember?

Cheers,
-Jason

It’s Not Easy Being Dead: Part 1

It is inevitable. At some point in fantasy and sci-fi shows, somebody has to talk to someone else who’s already dead. In the fantasy worlds, they just find an old guy or gal who can do it and presto (though, obviously, they have to quest for the Spoon I Dropped in the Desert Last Week and Need for a Tea Party on the Fifth first). In sci-fi universes, it’s usually some sort of gizmo that runs on the tears of orphans. In Farscape, they had the best of both worlds and just had Zhan(sp?) do it.

NOTE: Good going, Sci-Fi Channel. Farscape was one of the best sci-fi shows ever!

When speaking to the dead, however, there tends to be this assumption that the dead are somehow ‘wise.’ They ‘know’ things beyond the realm of men. They’ve ‘crossed over’ or some such and are thus, are privy to secrets unknowable by the living.

Why is that?

How come every twit who was an ignorant slob in life suddenly gets ‘the Code of Eternity’ when they die? Bob Dirt, the illiterate mud farmer, suddenly gets the Wisdom of the Ages when he kicks the bucket. Sure, when a Jedi Knight dies, they get the keys to the Big Book. They were relatively wise in life, it only seems fitting. But giving it to everyone, even those who probably couldn’t care less? That seems a bit much.

I would imagine there are a lot of conversations like this:

Keeper of All Knowledge: Lo, now that thou hast passed on, I grant thee the Secrets of the Universe!

Bob Dirt: What?

Keeper of All Knowledge: Thou art dead, and therefore all the Mysteries of Creation are thine!

Bob Dirt: What’re you goin’ on ‘bout?

Keeper of All Knowledge: You’re dead, all right? You’ve kicked the bucket! You’re worm food!

Bob Dirt: Well, I kinda figured that, what with bein’ run over by that harvester and all.

Keeper of All Knowledge: Great! We’re in agreement! Now that you’re dead, you can learn all of the secrets of the universe. They’re all in this big book over here. Go ahead, you earned it.

Bob Dirt: Does it got any pictures?

Keeper of All Knowledge: Pictures? Not really. Why? Wait, where are you going?

Bob Dirt: If it ain’t got no pictures, I ain’t interested. I’m gonna go find me a beer.

Keeper of All Knowledge: But, this book answers all the greatest questions mankind has!

Bob Dirt: Does it know where I can get me a beer?

Keeper of All Knowledge: No, not exactly.

Bob Dirt: Then I ain’t interested!

Tomorrow: Part 2 – Conversations with Dead People