LOKI!!!

You may not be aware of this, but the Pacific Northwest is undergoing a terrible heat wave. Stores are sold out of fans and air conditioners. Ice cream shops are running out of product. Participation in wet t-shirt contests has quintupled, simply for the opportunity to get splashed with cold water.

In fact, last weekend it almost reached 90 degrees Fahrenheit, which is something like 4(!*x(spoon)) in Celsius.

NOTE: Yes, I could have looked up the actual conversion. Yes, I am that lazy.

In the past, I’ve blamed these heat waves on Canadians, penguins, and a variety of starch-based foodstuffs, but I’ve discovered the true culprit: the Norse God of Mischief, Loki.

You see, Loki is using his nefarious powers to subtly alter the delicate geothermal balance between the tectonic plates via pinpoint manipulation of solar flares, which are caused by an inordinate consumption of beans and other legumes by our sun, therefore minutely . . . ummm . . . discombobulating something science-y or . . . yeah.

Fine. You got me. I pretty much decided to just blame Loki for everything. I was at work the other day and after yet another computer crash, I shook my fist in the air and shouted (albeit quietly) “Damn you, Loki!”

It felt good.

So the next time something went wrong, I did it again. “Curse you, Loki! Spawn of Fárbauti and Laufey!” I exclaimed, after dropping my notebook. I felt better, though I did scare the crap out of most of coworkers, seeing as we were in a company meeting when I did it.

Despite a short, pretty much one-sided conversation with my boss, wherein it was suggested that I not do that anymore, I have not given up cursing Loki. In fact, I made a small sign that says ‘Damn you, Loki!!!!’ just for those occasions when a more exuberant display would be frowned upon, such as weddings.

Now, I realize that Loki is probably not actively working to make my life difficult. It’s just that ‘Loki’ is such a shoutable name, second only to ‘Khan!’ for the sheer exuberance you can put into it. And, honestly, it’s rather nice to have someone to blame for all of life’s petty annoyances. So, the next time your computer goes down, your car won’t start, or a giant, ravenous wolf tries to eat the sun, just shout ‘LOKI!’ and you’ll feel much better.

Cheers,
-Jason