Crates and Such: Part 2

I don’t know in which video game crates were first used to store goods (I’ll guess Doom), but it has become a staple of both RPGs and FPSs. In many games, you cannot walk ten feet without seeing a crate, barrel, (or occasionally) chest that you have to open. And when I say ‘have to’ I mean it. You don’t know what could be in there. There could contain health, money, or the crown jewels. You simply don’t know. It’s like an Easter Egg hunt where you can find bullets. So, of course, you must open everything.

The best part is that the things/monsters/people you’re fighting don’t actually open the crates themselves. All too often, a bad guy will come charging at you with a sword when there’s a perfectly good laser rifle inside a crate 10 feet away.

You’d at least think they’d be curious enough to take a peek.

Why anyone would store anything in a crate is beyond me. Think about it, what if you went to your financial planner and he recommended putting all of your money into easily accessible containers and then leaving them outdoors?

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“So, Mr. . . . Janeeecki, is it?”

“Well, close enough.”

The man adjusted his glasses with a thick finger while he flipped through the sheaf of papers. “It says here that you work with video games?”

“That’s correct.”

“Hmmmm.” He brushed an errant hair from his Armani suit. “Interesting. And you wish to invest?”

“Well, I’d like to diversify my portfolio and start saving for retirement.”

“Capitol, capitol.” The planner looked over his glasses. “That was a joke. Capitol. Investments. That sort of thing?”

“Ah, I see.”

“Apparently not,” he mumbled. “Well, Mr. Janeeeskivi, I have one word for you.”

“Plastics?”

“Sorry?”

“A joke. The Graduate.”

“Indeed. No, I am speaking of crates.”

“Pardon?”

Leaning forward, the planner laid out the papers, indicating a column with a gold-ringed finger. “Crates. What you need to do is purchase a goodly number of crates, barrels will do in a pinch, Mr. Jayeneesinky, and secure your remaining wealth in them. Then spread said crates around the countryside at random, preferably along well-traveled routes.”

There was silence.

“What?”

“Tell me, Mr. Juneivskyanitti,” he said, steepling his fingers and peering through them. “Which of us is the financial planner?”

“Uh, you are.”

“Correct. And if I tell you that spreading your money about the area in individual, easily accessible containers is a good idea, then you may trust that it is, in fact, a good idea.”

“Well, if you say so.”

“I do, Mr. Jianskwkqqqeikssyitsy, I do.”

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Don’t laugh, why else would there be money squirreled away in those things?

NOTE: The author is neither a financial planner nor a financial expert and is generally considered to be dim by those that know him. Do not listen to his advice unless you’re really dense.

Cheers,
-Jason

Crates and Such

The other day I was walking up to a Home Depot and noticed a stack of crates sitting innocuously along the wall next to the store. Being an avid gamer, I walked into the store, purchased a crowbar (I left mine at home – a silly mistake), and upon exiting the store, proceeded to vigorously smash said crates.

It was disappointing, as not only did no gold, items, or health packs pop out, but the Home Depot employees seemed somewhat vexed by my actions. After much shouting, a lengthy footrace, and a narrow escape across a train trestle, I was able to stop and ponder what had occurred.

It seemed unthinkable, but video games had lied to me. Crates are not full of goodies and people seem to take it poorly when you smash them open.

NOTE: Obviously, I did not smash open a bunch of crates at a Home Depot with a crowbar. This was a small fabrication on my part. I used a tire iron.

Tomorrow: Barrels, Are They Just Round Crates?