Wednesday, January 24, 2018

Getting in Shape with Ghosts

I need to get into better shape. Now, lifting weights, running, and wrestling llamas are all normal, efficient, and above all, simple ways to do that. Yet, being that I am me, I need something a little more exotic.

Therefore, I’ve decided on finding a ghost and fighting it on a regular basis.

‘Why?’, you may ask. As well as ‘huh?’ and ‘what?’

It’s simple. In the movies, people move into a haunted house or buy a haunted trowel or accidentally offend some spirit by using the wrong fork at dinner. A ghost and/or fell spirit then begins to haunt them, first by making weird noises, then moving things, then making the family dog barf up a human skull, then outright just throwing stuff at them. It’s a gradual, predictable process that is perfect for training up to the full-body workout that occurs when a malicious spirit is actively trying to kill you.

My first task, then, is to get rid of all the really dangerous stuff in my apartment. This is difficult as like 94% of the stuff I own is edged, spiked, fanged, shooty, or can complete the Mad-Libs sentence ‘and then the police found the body with a NOUN protruding from it.’

NOTE: Upon reflection, that Mad-Libs sentence could infer A LOT of different things. Don’t think anything naughty.

The reason I need to do this is because when the ghost escalates to ‘throwing stuff at my head in the middle of the night,’ I don’t want it to have access to anything that’s too lethal.

Second, I need to put my Precious Moments figurines in storage.

Just kidding.

My Precious Moments figurines are already safe in a specially designed vault that Superman himself couldn’t dent.

Third, I need to make sure the neighbors know that if blood starts dripping down their walls and forms the words ‘GET OUT,’ it’s okay, I’ll take care of it.

Note to self: put down plastic.

And fourth, I need to find an actual ghost to bring back to my apartment. I’ve already staked out the local abandoned insane asylum and plan to spend the night there tromping around and shouting things like ‘Ghosts? There’s no such things as ghosts!’ and ‘Boy, I sure hope there aren’t any ghosts around here who want to follow me back to MY ADDRESS and attack me in the middle of the night.’

I therefore anticipate that in short order, I will have a vengeful spirit bouncing around my place and actively attacking, forcing me to hone my reflexes from dodging flying furniture, building up muscle mass from catching hurled armoires, and getting good cardio from doing this for hours at a time.

I see nothing wrong with this plan.


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