Tuesday, January 30, 2018

At Least 51% Godzilla

I watched a show called Godzilla on Netflix last weekend and much to my not surprise and somewhat annoyance, the first forty-five minutes had little to no actual Godzilla. It’s like the movie (also called Godzilla, I think) that came out two or three years ago. Two-hour movie, one (admittedly cool-as-hell) actual Godzilla fight at the end.

This is my mini-rant: if you make a movie called Godzilla, it should contain at least fifty-one percent Godzilla. Not ninety-minutes of humans running around doing human things and then five-minutes of Godzilla beating up some idiot kaiju who thought it would be a good life-choice to pick a fight with the King of the Monsters.

NOTE: If you’re a kaiju and you’re reading this, maybe think twice about fighting something referred to as the King of the Monsters. Start lower, like a Jester of the Monsters or Serving Wench of the Monsters. Work your way up.

I’m now convinced that at some point, I’m going to watch (yet another) movie called Godzilla only to figure out it’s a rom-com about two humans who fall in love and have wacky hijinks, possibly involving a ferret and six pumpkins. The two humans will wind up at the pier, making out on a bench, as the credits roll, only to have Godzilla rise up and incinerate them with his atomic breath.

Okay, yes. I would probably watch that.

My point, and I do have one, is that if you’re going to make movies about humans, call it ‘Humans’ or something. In fact, I would be willing to bet that the vast majority of movies are about humans anyway doing human things, like roller-skating or fly-fishing or astro-physics. 

Humans movies should be about humans, Godzilla movies should be about Godzilla. Much like Bambi movies are about Bambi. Or Hamlet movies are about Ham.

No other movies, to my admittedly limited knowledge, can get away with this. It would be like having a movie called ‘Steve’ that contained no Steves. 

Just give me a movie of Godzilla fighting a succession of kaiju. There can be humans in it, but only to occasionally shout ‘Look! Godzilla!’ and then get crushed by a building.

Yes, I am a simple man.


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